The Love of a Sister

I've had the joy this week of reconnecting with my many sisters in this life in one way or another.  My blood sister has started dating again, and she's coming to me for advice.  It's drawing us together in a way that I never thought possible for so many reasons, starting with the one where I told my parents to take her back the first time I met her in the hospital.  I don't know what was going through my 2 1/2 year old mind when I said that, but that's the mentality that has stuck with me and a stigma that has tainted my relationship with my sister for the last 32 years.

My family moved around a lot when I was growing up.  I had friends, but they came and went a lot.  I still see some of them occasionally, but the constant people in my life were my parents, my big brother (who I had an amazing relationship with) and my little sister (who was always someone I tolerated being around).  Growing up, I always found it easier to relate with my brother.  He talked enough for the both of us (I was always quiet and shy growing up), and was there for me when I needed help or needed someone to stand up for me.

My little sister was just a pest who took Mom and Dad's attention away from me, and I was a princess and deserved all of their attention!  Haha!  At least that's what my little child self always thought (maybe even still thinks??).  I built up a resentment toward my sister that usually resulted in me hurting her either physically or emotionally and then going out for a run to burn off the remaining anger I felt toward her.  Everyone always told me that as we grew up, we would grow closer, but that just never happened for us.  In my mind, she would always be that spoiled little child who demanded all of Mom and Dad's attention and love.

While I "grew up," got my degree, got a "real" job, got married, and settled into a life of goals and ambitions, I watched her struggle to find her footing jumping from one job to the next, living off (and with) mom and dad and continuing to demand all of their attention and love even as an adult.  I continued to water the resentment I held toward her and allowed it to grow into the light.

When I started seeing a therapist and started really diving into the issues with my sister, I actually started talking about the resentment I had toward her.  I would openly tell her and anyone else who would listen how miserable I was because of her.  This only started to lighten when she started to "grow up."  She really started working on herself and figured out what she wanted to do with her life.  She wanted to go to nanny school.  At this point, Mom and Dad were refusing to pay for yet another round of training for a job she would work for a few months and realize that it wasn't what she wanted to do.  For some reason, it felt right for me to help her.  I cosigned on a student loan for her to attend English Nanny and Governess School, and she went through with it.  I was so proud of her the day I went up to Chagrin Falls, Ohio to watch her graduate and get her Nanny Certification.  She got an amazing job with a family in Chicago, and I really felt like she was getting her life together.  There were a couple of hiccups along the way, but she stuck with the nanny gig and was really good at it.

When I got divorced and quit my job, however, I started to resent her again, because she lived off my parents for so long.  When I wanted their help, though, they told me to get a job or maybe I shouldn't have quit the job I had.  I couldn't understand why it was okay for her to work through all of her stuff with their help, and it wasn't okay for me to be without a job and try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  And one day, they started helping me.  They bought me food and toilet paper and paper towels, and asked what else I needed.  This somehow helped to melt away some of the resentment I felt toward my sister.

Then, she started going to school.  She had tried school before that didn't last, so I wasn't sure how serious she was this time.  For some reason, though, this time was different.  She's finishing up her second semester, and I couldn't be more proud of her for the woman she's becoming.  She even helped me get a job as a nanny to an adorable little boy who I'm helping raise into an amazing and loving toddler.  She started dating recently and reached out to me for advice, and I feel like we're finally starting to relate the way that sisters are meant to relate.

On Sunday, we went to breakfast and then to service at the Center for Spiritual Living Nashville.  One of the songs that they sang during service was "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips.  I don't know a single 30-something girl who didn't have that song on cassette when they were little, not to mention the amazing homage to the song at the end of the movie "Bridesmaids".  Let me interject by saying that every service I have been to at the Center has made me cry at least once; tears of joy, tears of sorrow, tears of loss, tears at how beautiful the young souls are who get up and do their affirmations at the beginning of service and then the song about them being a big, shiny light that we sing as they leave to go off to their youth activities during the rest of service.

Well, of course "Hold On" made me cry, because for some reason, this was the week that I felt like I needed a break from all of the work I was doing.  I am scared shitless about the journey I am embarking on as I go into another Kundalini training weekend followed by a week at Kundalini Winter Solstice Sadhana Celebration, not to mention not knowing where my life is going.  When they sang the words, "I know that there is pain, but you hold on for one more day, and you break free from the chains," I couldn't help but tear up knowing that it was a sign that my time is coming.  Every sign I've gotten this week has told me this same thing; given me this same message.  At the end of service, they always sing a song as people are walking out, and "Hold On" was that song.  My sister and I channeled our inner "bridesmaids" and joined the Music Ministry as we danced along in our pew, a little more of that resentment melting away.  I think that might have been the closest I've ever felt to my sister, and I'm glad to have deepened that bond.

Today, I shared that same love with a different kind of sister, a soul sister.  We all have people who we come into this life knowing, and I have had the wonderful opportunity to reconnect with many of my soul sisters, thanks to a beautiful soul named Kim Salter, who facilitates a Sisterhood Circle in East Nashville.  It is a beautiful gathering of sensitive, strong and amazing women who come together to hold space for each other and really listen in a way that facilitates healing.  This is an amazing group, because how often are you really heard in your life?  As someone working on my expression and opening myself and my voice, it is very important for me to feel heard at a soul level.  These women offer that for me, and the friendships and bonds extend out past the weekly circle, as well.  If this is something you feel is missing in your life, you can learn more about Circle on Kim's LIFE.Designed Facebook page here.

I also had the amazing opportunity today to connect with two of my friends from my engineering days who have seen me through a lot of the inner turmoil and helped me through the worst days and still love and support me through the changes I'm experiencing in my life.  I'm so grateful to have such amazing friends and such amazing lunches to remind me of that connection.  The friendship I share with those women is so much more than any of the friendships I've ever had, and I'm so grateful for the growth I've gotten to witness in their lives and relationships.

And coming back to that little bit where I talked about messages and signs that have come to me this week, I want to talk a little bit about RunYogaLove.  Beck and I have been running almost every Saturday since I started it in September in the hopes that someone will join us.  It hasn't been a big deal that we haven't had others with us yet, because it was kind of fun having each other to run with and having him there made me feel less tied to any kind of results or growth or expectations I had in starting it.

The last two weekends, however, Beck ran in a half marathon and went to visit family, so I ran by myself.  I used to love running by myself.  It was a fun way for me to explore the city and enjoy the weather and the scenery.  For some reason, the last two Saturdays were really hard for me and brought up a lot of my feelings of not being enough.  Am I not trying hard enough to spread the word?  Am I not likeable enough for people to want to run with me?

Before you freak out and start reaching out to make sure I'm okay, I know this is not true.  I know that I am enough and that I am beautiful and perfect in every way.  We all have our moments, though, right?  It triggered a lot of my "not enough" mentality that I have struggled with most of my life.  It has been a great opportunity for me to work on that, and I am so appreciative that I have had that opportunity.  As I was questioning why I'm doing it, I kept getting the message that I should keep going.  Keep running.  Keep showing up.

I'm ready for you to join me, though!  I will be in teacher training this weekend and out of town December 14-25, but I look forward to seeing you all on the road at 6:30 am on Saturday, December 27th to run off those holiday cookies!

Much love,
Emily Rose