Put Your Big Girl Panties On

I know, I know! I said I would write…and I haven’t. I kind of disappeared there for a while, first from facebook, then from instagram, twitter, linkedin…social media was a lot to keep up and look for a job and accept the fact that I was re-entering a work force that I thought I had left behind. I said I would write, though, and here I am.

Some of you might remember in one of my last posts, I talked about joining the Dave Ramsey fan club. Well, I’m not sure there actually is a fan club, but I definitely became a follower, both of his podcast and his teachings. You might also remember that the year after my divorce, I spent the year spending money. I quit my incredibly flexible, well-paying engineering job and traveled to Thailand, Colorado, Vegas, Bonnaroo, the beach, and a host of other fabulous locations with some of my favorite people. I bought swim suits, purses, clothes, yoga teacher trainings, energy healing and lingerie, and I loved every minute of it. I bought away all of the pain and grief of my failed marriage. I spent money instead of spending time with my emotions. I didn’t realize I had emotions.

I spent the next year trying to figure out how to dig myself out of the financial hole I dug for myself. I worked one minimum wage job after the next, and with each one, I thought to myself that I could be doing something a little easier on my body (remember that engineering degree) and making way more money in less time. I made things work. I dug myself up to a point where I could at least see over the edge of the hole by baristing (is that a word??), babysitting, dogsitting, house sitting, helping a friend with her research company, teaching yoga and doing odd jobs where I could find them. I was finally to a point financially where I could breathe and not have to worry about a service fee hitting my checking account and putting me into overdraft. I could pay most of my bills without having to pick and choose which ones I would pay from month to month.

At some point in there, Beck exposed me to Dave Ramsey for the first time on one of our road trips. Mind you, the first time I heard that man speak, I felt rage bubble up in my world that had been so filled with rainbows and butterflies that there was hardly any room for the darkness that comes with an emotion like rage. He called someone stupid on the first show I heard. I immediately told Beck to turn that garbage off and listen to something nice. Come to find out, he did turn it off…but only until I fell asleep, which in the car didn’t take too long. I would wake up to hear that awful voice coming through the speakers. It wasn’t long before I heard something from it that made sense, though. He said things that my Gramps had tried and tried to instill in my life when I was growing up. He talked about not using credit cards and buying things solely on cash. He talked about saving money to buy what you want instead of giving yourself instant gratification at whatever cost the credit company decided to charge you. He also talked about digging yourself out of the financial hole that is debt. It wasn’t until he talked about managing God’s money that I finally started to buy in. At some point, I realized that I was the one turning the podcast on when we were in the car instead of Beck. I drank the Kool-Aid.

I started making a budget, without really sticking to it. The day I got the letter from my mortgage company, though, that I had skipped one too many payments (wasn’t I only one behind? I had lost track…) was the day I decided to take my life back.

One thing Dave talked about was that in order to dig yourself out of the hole that is debt, sometimes you need to get a bigger shovel. For most people, that means getting a part-time, low paying job to supplement their main income. For someone who was already working several part-time, low paying jobs, though, I knew exactly what that would look like. I just wasn’t ready to accept that it meant using the natural gifts that I had been given. God stuck with me, though, and gave me the gentle nudges I needed to ease my way back into engineering. I took small steps to embracing the fact that I had a brain again, and when I started explaining how engineering things worked on vacations and helping Beck with his engineering homework, I realized that I really did know how to do this stuff.

Now I’m going to let you in on something really crazy. Remember the post I wrote about being on the wrong path? I had a dream one night that I was driving down the interstate and suddenly had the feeling I was going the wrong direction even though there were no other cars around me. I drove over the grass in the median to get to the other side of the road only to drive a little ways before there were cars coming at me. I dodged all the cars and trucks, got myself turned around and was to the break in the median where I could get back to the other side when I woke up. The right side of the interstate was actually on the other side from where I originally started. My interpretation of this one was that even though I felt like engineering was not for me, I was really just on the wrong side of the interstate. I just had to get myself off that path and through a little craziness in order to find the right path, a path with purpose. Engineering has always been the right thing for me. I just needed to have a goal and get myself in the right spot, and like Dave Ramsey always tells people who call in, I needed to “put my big girl panties on and get a job.”

I started looking for jobs that were anything other than consulting. I knew that didn’t work for me. I thought with my broad experience that a city engineer position would be a good fit for me, but I also felt pulled toward a State or Federal job. One day when I was meditating on where I was meant to be, I got a phone call (literally in the middle of my meditation) from Erin at TDOT to set up an interview. I called her back to schedule it, and she asked if I could come in the next day. I hadn’t realized that the state worked that fast on anything! I agreed to come in the next day (Tuesday) for an interview not realizing what I was getting myself into. I didn’t have a suit to interview in. I hadn’t ever been to an interview where I didn’t wear a suit. I found my best dress and a cardigan and the only pair of heels I still own and drove to the interview. It was hot that day, and I’m always hot when I’m nervous anyway, so I ended up leaving my cardigan in the car and walking into the interview in my sleeveless dress thinking that I would never get the job because I was so under-dressed. I stopped in at the bathroom and walked in to the Materials and Tests Division of TDOT so nervous that I couldn’t even think straight.

I was greeted right inside the door by a super nice guy who was eager to please and eager to help when I asked where I was supposed to be going for my interview. He pointed down the hall to a waiting room. No one else talked to me while I walked down the hall, and I sat in the chairs under the sign that said to wait there for my interview. I could hear people at lunch behind a set of bookshelves playing cards and chatting about potato salad. A man I have come to know and love came out from behind the shelves after they finished the game and offered me some of the infamous potato salad, which I gracefully declined as I sat sweating (from nerves or heat, I’m not sure…probably both) in the chair that thankfully had high arms so that I could rest my arms on them and air myself out while I breathed through the nerves and waited to be called into the interview.

A nice woman (who I would soon find out was my future manager) walked by at one point and said that they would be ready in a minute and headed off down the hallway. Another woman (my future manager’s manager) and a man walked by at some point and went into the conference room before the first woman finally came by and told me they were ready. Right before I walked into the room, I felt a strange sense of calm. I walked in to a panel of three interviewers, which they explained in the first ten minutes is actually a requirement of all TDOT interviews. They also spent the majority of that ten minutes explaining what the actual job was going to entail. If you’ve never applied for a state job, you wouldn’t know that the postings are a little vague so that they can use the same posting for every position at that level that they have open. It was a little confusing but made way more sense after that first ten minutes. They then went on to explain that they were going to take turn asking questions, but they all had the same questions on their sheets that they asked of every candidate they interviewed and all three of them had to write responses to the questions on their sheets. Gotta love the standardization of the government!

At one point, one of the girls started out a sentence with “This is incredibly unprofessional, but…” and that was what won me over. The job description of teaching trainings and visiting concrete plants might have had something to do with it, too, but I just really had a good feeling about this one. I walked out of the interview with no expectations, and was shocked when I got the phone call that Friday with a tentative job offer, which I excitedly accepted. I could have gotten a higher paying job or one with a better title, but this one felt better than the others, and I have learned by now to go with my gut.

The first couple weeks were a dream. I walked into the first day and went straight into one of the classes that I will eventually be teaching. The second day on the job, I got to play with concrete while meeting some of the amazing people who work in Region 3 Materials and Tests. My manager talks to me and explains why she makes the decisions she makes. I have gotten to sit in on numerous meetings where I learn something new every time and sometimes even feel like I may be contributing something to a team of people who are working together for a common goal. I can’t say that I don’t have moments when I walk down the hall and think to myself that I can’t believe I’m in a cube farm again or staring at a computer screen again, but those thoughts are quickly replaced by gratitude for the amazing people I work with, the amazing team I’m part of, and the fun parts of my job. The paycheck helps, too, of course, and the fact that every time I sit down and look at my budget, I get to see the difference I’m making and that I’m going to make.

Maybe, just maybe, I needed that year of just getting by in order to help me realize that I could live on way less than I was making as an engineer so that I can “live and give like no one else” in the words of Dave Ramsey himself. I’ve become a better manager of God’s money, and I’m grateful that I’m now standing in the flow where I can allow it to flow through me a little easier. I’m also grateful that I put my big girl panties on and found some joy in a place where I never thought in a million years that I would find it. As always, I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned and the teachers who were there when I was ready for them. I’m also grateful for you and whatever role I’m playing in your journey as you’re playing your role in mine.

Much love,

Emily Rose

People I Love

I recently made a big decision to get back into the engineering world. What does that mean for you? I'm not so sure. I'm still goin
g to teach yoga. I'm still going to write. I'm pretty sure that it won't change your world in any drastic way.

What does this mean for me?? It means that I need to earn PDHs again to get my license back to active. It means that I need to plug myself back into a network that I removed myself from two years ago. It means meetings and luncheons and busyness. Oddly enough, I'm doing it all with a huge smile on my face. You see, I recently read a book that put everything into a little more perspective for me. It's called Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing by Jed McKenna. It put enlightenment into a totally different perspective for me, and made me realize that the things I thought I was looking for were actually there all along, and the things I thought I needed were not necessarily true. It made me question all of the things I was doing to find myself and my purpose and encouraged me to look at the world as a play where everyone was playing their roles. It made me realize that I stopped playing my role while I was trying to figure out what my role was.

The dream I had last week confirmed that for me. I dreamt that I was driving on the interstate and suddenly had the feeling I was going the wrong direction. I drove over the grass in the median to get to the other side only to drive a little ways before there were cars and trucks coming at me. I dodged all the cars and trucks, got myself turned around and was to the break in the median where I could get turned to the other side when I woke up. The right side of the interstate, though, was on the other side from where I originally started. I feel like this has something to do with me being in the engineering field before but for the wrong reasons. I took a detour off to a path that was going against the grain but one that I had to take in order to know the direction I needed to take to get on the right path.

When I was in engineering before, if someone were to ask me why I was an engineer, I would have said that growing up I was good at math and science, so Dad said that I would be a good engineer. I had no purpose in my engineering career. I was there because someone else told me it would be a good idea. That's one of the big reasons that I left engineering. I needed to figure out what it was that made me tick. I needed to know why I was here. I needed purpose.

I recently started meditating a lot more. I thought I was meditating before, but I started practicing yoga at The Ivy House in west Nashville and learned that the guided meditations and yoga practice that I had before was not really getting me where I needed to go. It wasn't getting me to my truth fast enough. I started praying for more clarity in my life. I started becoming more aware of the answers I was seeking. In an Awareness Yoga Immersion last month, I learned how to meditate and learned a particular style of meditation that ended with the questions, "Who am I? What do I want? What is my purpose?" The more I've meditated with those questions, the more I have become aware of what it is that I truly want. It's been stewing in the back of my mind for the last couple of years, but the Awareness Yoga has helped me really ground it and figure out the next step I need to take.

So, what I've known for a long time that I want is to help people. I just didn't know exactly how before. I can only help people through what I've been through. I can only teach the lessons I've learned. I've been through grief from death and grief from divorce, and I want to help people going through what I went through. I want to open a house similar to The Ivy House where people who have gotten a divorce or who have experienced the death of someone close to them can go to heal. I want to have on hand a financial advisor. I want to teach them the things I've learned through life experiences and yoga, and most of all, I want them to have a safe place to live and sleep where they can heal. So, what's stopping me from doing this? I need the space. What's stopping me from having the space? I made some poor financial decisions after my divorce. What am I doing now? I'm healing my financial life. I'm attending Financial Peace University. The next step is to get a job doing something I'm good at. What would that be?

I'm actually good at a lot of things. Something I've realized recently while helping Beck out with his homework is that I'm good at engineering. I actually get it. I'm not even embarrassed to say that I enjoy talking about it. I've come to find my love of engineering again. Pair that with my newfound purpose, and I'm ready to get back into the world of engineering again. So, what does this have to do with People I Love?

A couple of days after I came to the realization that I was ready to get back into engineering, my dad reached out to me and asked if I wanted to go to the American Society of Civil Engineers (ASCE) luncheon that day. His coworker wasn't able to attend, and I was going to be able to take his place. I didn't have any plans, and refer back to the first paragraph where I mentioned I need to get PDH's in order to get my license back to active status. Twenty-four to be exact. I need to get 24 hours of professional development in order to be able to work in the field of engineering again. This led me to say yes to my dad's offer to attend the ASCE lunch. As I drove to lunch, I had butterflies in my stomach. I hadn't seen most of these people in two years.

As I walked up to registration, my eyes focused in on the man standing just behind the registration table. Mike Kusch of Sherman Dixie was one of my favorite people in the industry, and he was standing there with the biggest grin on his face. That was the kind of greeting I needed to wipe the butterflies from my belly and send them flying out around me. I smiled as I hugged that amazing man, and then started to look around the room, meeting the eyes of several other people I loved. I had forgotten how many people I know and love in the engineering industry. These people I just left without so much as an explanation two years ago still lit up when they saw me.

I found out later that people at other tables were asking if it was me as if I was a local celebrity or something. This was the kind of greeting I wanted but never even thought about as I was figuring out how to get back into the field of engineering. These are the people I helped without asking anything in return and who would do the same for me. These are the people who make engineering fun. These are the people I love, and I was reminded last Thursday that they love me back. I'm so grateful to have more clarity in my life and for it to have led me back to these amazing people! I'm grateful I have the opportunity to continue to learn and grow, and I'm grateful that I get to meet new amazing people every day to add to this beautiful network of people. I'm also grateful for you for joining me on this amazing journey!

Love,
Emily Rose

Don't Go Down There! It's Dark and Scary!

I'm sure you've heard this before from your mom or grandma or babysitter or maybe just some random adult type who happened to be passing by when you were considering crawling through that storm drain when you were little. Or maybe you were like me and storm drains and clowns scared the crap out of you because you watched Stephen King's "It" with your older brother. I mean, seriously, I couldn't sleep at night with that book on my shelf staring at me. But I digress.

I've been spending a lot of time in deep thought recently, trying to figure out my next step and which idea to grab onto and run with. Well, while I was thinking, it occurred to me that I was on one path for a long time, and it was the path that was well-traveled, safe and secure. It turned out not to be so great, and along the way, I've had moments where I could have chosen another path, maybe one that was a little dark and scary and unknown. I didn't choose those paths, because I listened to the people around me and avoided the dark and scary and unknown. I'm realizing now, though, that even though those paths were dark and scary and unknown, they're nothing compared to the work I've done over the last couple years, hacking my way through the deep woods without even a tiny little path to follow and some crazy noises and lions and tigers and bears, oh my! So this is what it looked like in my head as I was having this stream of thought.

Crazy, huh? And that little heart there is me.

When we start our lives, we have all of this information that we bring in with us, mainly unconditional love and joy and wonderment at the world around us. As we grow older, we have people instill a healthy (or sometimes not so healthy) fear of certain things in our lives. Healthy fears are the ones where they tell us not to touch the stove because it's hot or not to cross the road when there's a car coming. Healthy, right?

Okay, so for unhealthy fears, I'm thinking things like, "Don't talk to strangers." Yes, sometimes that's good, but not all strangers are bad. And how many times have you not talked to someone who might change your life for the good just because they were a stranger? There's no way to know, right? Other unhealthy fears are not being good enough at what we're trying to do or not being loved or not having enough or whatever it is that's keeping you from choosing the path and the purpose that you came here to live. Anyway, here we are at the start of our journey, choosing the path of love (my path) or the path of fear (the path well-traveled).

Yikes! Which path do we choose??

For most of my generation and the generations before me, the choice was the path well-traveled. We went down that path and made money and bought the things everyone told us we needed like a car and a house (so that we could be stable and secure and be able to drive to the job that we have to have in order to pay for the things that we have) and other things we accumulate along the way. We may hit some bumps in the road that come at just the right time to choose that dark, scary path through the woods, but it's dark and scary and unknown and we've been warned about those paths. There are things down those paths that could hurt us. Murderers hiding in the bushes or poisonous snakes or spiders or tree frogs! So we continue down the well-traveled path.

Don't go down that path!

As we continue down that well-traveled path, maybe we start to realize that we don't feel quite right. (Or if you're like me, don't feel at all.) One day, we may get a blow to the gut so intense that we start to wake up, to look at things that are happening around us and to us and realize that even though we created this life, it isn't exactly what we want right now. For me, that blow to the gut was the day I found out that my ex-husband was posting and replying to personal ads on Craigslist. As I read through email after email after email (some with pictures!), I literally felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. That was my wake up call. I was already seeing a therapist at this point, so she helped me through the emotions that came up through all of this. Between her, my yoga instructors, acupuncturist and energy healer, I waded through it.

It may be something completely different for you. I hope it is! Maybe it's something a little less dramatic, or maybe you're paying a little more attention to the signs along the way that tell you not to fall asleep at the wheel. Or maybe it's something worse, but I promise you that someone has been there before, right where you are. And this brings us to our second dark, scary path. Do you stay? Or do you go? Do you stay in this life that you've chosen, on this well-traveled path because at least you know what it looks like? Or do you leave and choose the unknown, dark, scary path?

Do I stay or do I go?

I chose to stay. I chose to see if we could work it out. Maybe he would change. Maybe I could be okay with it. Maybe things will get better if I just keep working on myself and finding who I am, that beautiful soul who has been covered up with layers and layers of other people's beliefs of who I should be. But what about what I want? When I did my exercises and worked on myself at home, he got upset because he said they were making me self-centered. What he didn't realize was that that was the point. I wasn't going to live my life for someone else anymore. I wanted to live it for me. At this point, I had missed my next (and last??) dark, scary cut through path that would lead me to my path.

Oh no! Now what do I do??

I could hear the wolves howling in the distance, but friends held my hand as I made the decision to cut through the deep woods to find my way to my path. It's been quite the journey, let me tell you. At first it was light brush, nothing I couldn't navigate. Eventually, though, I got into the deep stuff, with vines growing everywhere that I had to break through. I lost a lot of people along the way. There was no way they were walking through these woods with me. Some of them have come back in one way or another as I'm hacking my way through.

The healing I've done along the way has been riddled with dark and scary things from my past that I had completely forgotten about. Repeating patterns have been exposed to me over and over until I chose to respond to them in different ways. But I'll tell you what...those layers and layers of beliefs have lifted. The layers of protection I had placed over my heart have peeled back one by one and revealed my true desires, my true self. The self I knew when I was a child.

I'm coming out of the darkness now, and one thing that I've realized is that those wolves howling in the distance is my pack, my tribe, whatever you choose to call them. I didn't meet them until after I made that decision to dive into the deep end. They showed up and lit up my life and we have helped each other lift those layers and discover who we truly are. They're those people in my life who have looked at me in all my imperfection and darkness and loved me anyway. They're the people I can't imagine my life without, the people I can see myself growing old with. The sense of acceptance and community that I feel even when we're not together has been the light that I've carried with me through the darkest spots in the woods.

Hanging out with my pack in the woods

I can see the light now, and the brush is getting thinner again. I know that I'm coming out of the woods and onto the path that I'm meant to be on. The end goal is getting more and more clear, and the only thing that's really clear right now is that it will be full of love and community and water. There will be water, and a lot of it. A large body of water of some type. I'm being called back to it now. I feel calm when I think of it, and my next journey will be a journey of discovery to find that place where I'm meant to settle down and grow my roots.

Not the end, but the place where my heart will live forever.

I know that that place will be a place of unconditional love and acceptance, both for myself and for others. I hope that you'll join me on this path! And know that as you run away from that well-traveled path that maybe you're not running away so much as running toward the place you're meant to be.

I wish I could give credit to the person who created this, but I have no idea where it came from!

I want to leave you with this. Just because something is unknown does not mean it's bad or wrong. I encourage you to take that dark scary path, because going through the deep woods is not fun. However, if you find yourself there in those deep dark woods, know that you're not alone. You have a pack, a tribe, who has been there waiting for you, and ya know what?? They have a flashlight!

Thank you so much for coming with me on this journey!

Much love,

Emily Rose

P.S. I want to give mad props to my amazing Auntee C for the beautiful ceramic heart that was a gift to me and I love it with all of my hearts! You can see more of her beautiful work here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Charlotte-Barber-Wiley-Pottery/116116151757124

You Deserve to be Happy

Y'all, my mama works her butt off! I mean, literally works so hard that at the end of the day, she falls into her recliner and doesn't move for the rest of the evening. Actually, scratch that. At the end of her day working for other people, she comes home and works in her own yard, making it beautiful and colorful. Then, she might have some dinner and crash into her recliner. Do you want to know how much she makes? A little more than minimum wage, but not hardly enough to get by. Really not even enough for the physical abuse that her body takes. Want to know what she does? She takes care of the plants at hotels and office buildings around Nashville. When you walk into the Hilton downtown, the beautiful flowers and plants that you see on the outside and even inside the building are thanks to my mama and the company she works for. She has had her knee replaced in the last two years, so you may even see her hobbling around from her truck to the planter beds with her tools and her watering can. She's like a little worker bee flitting from one planter bed to the next.

I've asked her so many times why she doesn't take on a management position and get people to work under her planting and watering and what-not, but her joy, her happy place is working in the dirt. When I see how big she smiles when she's working, I can't resist but smile with her. She's more outgoing and will talk to people she would normally never even think about talking to. It's like putting on her cape and going into superhero mode when she's working with her plants. I love watching her, and think every time that I hope I find something someday that I am that passionate about. She deserves to be happy, and I'm glad that she's found something that makes her happy and that she occasionally gets to share that gift with me.

Which brings it back to me. I spent the weekend in a spiritual bliss of music infusion. I went to a yoga concert on Friday at Liberation Yoga where we practiced yoga and then sat on our mats and were serenaded by two of the most beautifully blended voices I've heard in a long time. We listened to the angelic sounds of Mishelbe, a dynamic duo of two petite yogis (Michelle and Shelby) who met at yoga teacher training and found out they can make beautiful music together. We even got to join in when they broke into mantras in the middle of their songs. The way they incorporated ancient sound currents into modern music and words was phenomenal, and I'm so grateful that I got to experience it. Oh, and I got to experience it not only once, but twice, because they just happened to play again on Sunday at a Kirtan I attended at the Music City Center for Spiritual Living with my beautiful mama. I'm a little obsessed with them right now, so this probably won't be the last time you hear about them.

Oh, and all of this after the ending of the season of The Voice, which I watched every episode glued to the TV with the thought, "I want to do that. I should be up there" running through my head over and over and over as if it were a mantra. I feel so called to sing right now that it's a little scary, and the fact that I'm even sharing this in this media is even more scary to me. As I listened to the music of Mishelbe, I couldn't help but think that I wanted to do that, that it could have been me up there. It could still be me up there. Maybe I'll get up there and realize that's not my dream or my purpose, but I just started to follow Taylor Swift on Instagram where she's posting photos from her concerts. I have to say that seeing her in her glitter and sequins up on stage, I can't imagine anything else I would want to do right now. I just have to find the courage to get up on stage. Who wants to give me a shove? Don't think this is going to be an easy task, y'all! I spent the last two years finding a voice that I didn't even realize I had lost, and even this blog is a testament to the progress that I've made. For now, this is my stage.

But wait, why are we here? Happiness! That's right. So, every morning (at least when I remember), I look myself in the eye (in the mirror) and read myself a note that I wrote to my inner child in my sister circle a while back. I know I've posted it before, but I'm going to post it again, because maybe you need to hear it again, too.

You are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. You don't need anyone else's approval but your own. Go play! Do what makes you happy. Wake up every morning and do what brings you joy. If something makes you happy, don't let anyone take it from you. Surround yourself in beauty and love and people who support that in you. Everything you create is beautiful. Just be you.

And then I take a deep breath and really let that settle into my bones. Some days I'll add another affirmation onto the end of it if there's something else I need to hear, but most days, this does the trick. Lately, though, I've been questioning myself on what truly makes me happy. What brings joy to my life and my days? And now that I'm reflecting on that, it's those days that I'm truly in the flow, moving smoothly from one activity, one connection to the next that make me truly happy. The soul level connections with like-minded people make me so happy that I could squeal! And I have not been giving myself enough of those lately. I've been trying to do it on my own, which is obviously one of my patterns that I get to work on. I'm so excited that my sister circle has decided to do a check-in every other week through the summer that will allow me to be surrounded by these beautiful beings who love and support me and allow me a non-judgemental platform to be heard. I wish this same happiness and love for you.

I would love to hear from you how you connect with others. What makes you happy? Why haven't you done that yet today?? You deserve it! You deserve to be happy!

Much love,
Emily

The Art of Healing by Bernie S. Siegel, MD

I just finished reading this amazing book! If you are sick, you know someone who is sick or have ever known someone who was sick, or really, if you just know someone, I would highly recommend this book. As the title indicates, there is an art to healing, and Dr. Siegel does a great job of explaining how art work created by patients and family members helped him heal their dis-ease. The book describes so much more, though. There were several things in this book that stood out to me, and one of my favorite things is that at the end of each chapter, he gives a Doctor's Rx, which is some type of homework or question to really get you thinking about how  you can live a healthier, happier life. Toward the end of the book, the Doctor's Rx is to "take the Immune-Competent Personality Test, based on Dr. George Solomon's research". It goes on to list the following questions (and I'm taking this directly out of the book, along with the answers):

1. Do I have a sense of meaning in my work, daily activities, family and relationships?
2. Am I able to express anger appropriately in defense of myself?
3. Am I able to ask friends and family for support when I am feeling lonely or troubled?
4. Am I able to ask friends and family for favors when I need them?
5. Am I able to say no to someone who asks for a favor if I can't do it or don't feel like doing it?
6. Do I engage in health-related behaviors based on my own self-defined needs instead of someone else's prescriptions or ideas?
7. Do I have enough play in my life?
8. Do I find myself depressed for long periods, during which time I feel hopeless about ever changing the conditions that cause me to be depressed?
9. Am I dutifully filling a prescribed role in my life to the detriment of my own needs?

ANSWERS:
If you answered yes to questions 1 through 7 and no to questions 8 and 9, you have an immune-competent personality that helps you to stay healthy, to overcome disease, and face challenges when they happen.  If you answered no to the first seven questions and yes to the last two, you need to pay attention to your behavior and rebirth yourself. I even recommend choosing a new name for this new you.

And my favorite part - Siegel went on to add three more questions to this test:

1. I am taking you to dinner.  Where do you want to go?
First response - Rome, Italy. That was the best food I've ever had, y'all! I have such beautiful memories from that city, and a lot of them involve food.  :)

2. What would you hold up before an audience to demonstrate the beauty and meaning of life?
I would hold up a flower. I mean how amazing is it that we get to witness the full life and beauty of a flower every spring?

3. How would you introduce yourself to God?
I'm Emily Rose. Here I am in all of my glorious imperfection. Love me!

Those are my responses to those last three, and here are the responses that Siegel gave in the book:

1. Your response should relate to your feelings, not what it costs or the food preferences of the other person. Be willing to accept the gift without responding to their question, "What do you want?"
2. A mirror.
3. By responding, "It's you" or "Your child is here." The best answer God ever heard from a high school student was "Tell God his replacement is here."

You can find an online version of this test at http://berniesiegelmd.com/resources/organizations-websites/immune-competent-personality-test/

So, as I read through the original questions, I was reminded once again that I'm on the right path. I would have answered "no" to the majority of the first seven questions about five years ago. While my answer may be a little closer to "most days" than to "yes" right now, I'm happy with the progress I've made. I'm becoming more established in a career that gives me meaning and purpose in my life and allows me to help people heal every time I teach a class. I am forming meaningful relationships with people I interact with. I have found volunteer activities at the Center for Spiritual Living Nashville that allow me to help the youth in that community. I pray that every encounter I have with another human leaves them feeling happy and full, and I hope that this blog has an impact on just one person - you?!? - and leaves you thinking about how you can change just one of those "no" responses to a "yes".

Much love,
Emily Rose

Beach Yoga Retreat

I owe a lot of people money right now. Like, way too many people. When I left to go on my beach yoga retreat earlier this week, I didn't tell very many people I was going. I give myself enough guilt that I really didn't want any more placed on me at the time. So, I told a select few people I was going, packed up my suitcase and yoga gear and took a nice long road trip to the beach. I needed this trip. I needed the ocean in all it's healing glory. I needed the yoga, and more than anything, I needed to be around like-minded people with nothing to do and nowhere to be for a few days.

I was a little surprised at how nervous I was going into the trip. I hadn't driven that far on my own since my Colorado trip last year. I haven't shared a room in a really long time, and I was getting ready to share a room with a complete stranger. I haven't practiced yoga with someone new in a long time, and I was getting ready to take a class a day from someone I knew very little about. And I was going to be the last one there on top of it all. I had the last class in my kundalini series that day at Kali Yuga Yoga. Since we had people signed up for the whole series, we couldn't cancel the class. Since I was the only teacher on the roster who teaches kundalini, there were no subs. So, I waited until class time and drove over to the studio praying that there were either ten people there or not a soul so that I could either teach a full class or leave early to get on my way.

When I got to the studio, I waited, and waited and waited. No one showed up.

I guess I should say that part of the reason I needed this break is that I've been starting to question myself and what I'm doing. I have people in my Saturday afternoon class at the studio, but anything I've tried to do on my own has left me sitting in an empty classroom. This kundalini series was no different. We started out with 4 the first week, no one the second, and one or two at two of the other ones, and absolutely no one at the other two classes of the six-week series. The studio lost money on this effort. I'm not completely sure that I made money all things considered between prep time, drive time and time sitting in the studio waiting. I've gotten good feedback from everyone who comes to one of my classes, but getting people there has been a challenge for me. Even people who seem excited about coming just don't show up.

I firmly believe that if I'm doing what I love and living fully in my purpose, the abundance will come. Abundance of people or money or whatever. Yoga has been such a good place for me over the last year, and I know that it's something I want to continue, but I am going to need a nice huge sign to (gently, please) smack me in the forehead in the near future if it's something I'm going to do on my own to make a living. Otherwise, I'm going to continue to teach a class here and there and continue my private lessons and figure out where my next path is going to lead. It's all growth, learning opportunities, lessons, and we just have to continue learning as we go.

Anyway, I was actually incredibly grateful when there were no students in my class so that I could get on the road an hour earlier to head to the beach yoga retreat. This retreat is something I've had my eye on for a very long time, and the email that there were a few spots left came right at the same time I received my tax refund from last year. I had been pulling angel cards telling me to Reward Myself, Balance Giving and Receiving, The Ocean, and Connect with Nature. I didn't need too many more signs that this was something I was meant to do, so I followed my instinct and signed up for the retreat.

Did I say earlier that I was nervous about going to the retreat? My stomach apparently knew that better than I did, because in the first few hours of the trip, I had to stop four times to go to the bathroom. This is not normal for me! It was a good way to release the old before welcoming in the new, though, I suppose. Haha!

When I finally arrived at the house, everyone was sitting around the large dining room table laughing and enjoying dessert. Most of them had been there for four hours and had already enjoyed a yoga practice on the pool deck and a delicious meal prepared with love by Deborah, one of the owners of Unity. With my already nervous tummy and a cloudy head from an eight hour drive, walking into the laughing crowd of people made tears spring to my eyes. Were they going to like me? Was I going to fit in? Which one was my roommate? Would she hate me after living with me for four nights? My insecurities settled in, and Rebecca Carey, one of my absolute favorite yoga teachers and the reason I was on this trip (well, aside from the ocean of course), got up from the table and ushered me into the rest of the house for a tour and encouraged me to be easy on myself, settle into my room and get acclimated before joining the crowd. She had no idea what was going on in my head, but she's such a loving and intuitive soul that she knew I needed a little time for myself even before I did.

I took everything to my room and went out to the balcony overlooking the ocean and took some deep breaths, enjoying the vision of the moon reflecting off the waves, the sounds of the ocean and the wind, the smell of the salt in the air. It was beautiful. It was why I was there. One of the first things they had us do at the house was pick out a plant and set an intention. The intention cards and nametags on our rooms were all painted by the beautiful Rebecca Carey. Daryn and Rebecca did an amazing job of putting everything together!

My plant in the cupholder on its way home to Nashville.

I learned over the next few days what role each of the individuals in the group would play in my healing, too, and I in theirs. My roommate is going through a divorce, with similar circumstances to mine, except that they had kids together. She reminded me so much of myself from two years ago, and the struggles I was going through and still occasionally go through. Another retreat friend is an engineer who has gone out on her own and has worked in the technical and sales sides of things and is super happy with her engineering life. We talked about how hard it was to work for other people, and how much she enjoys working on her own agenda. The one guy there was in the military and traveled to Thailand when he was stationed in Asia, so we got to relive our Thai adventures together. The more I talked to people about themselves and their lives, the more I realized what a great puzzle the universe had put together when it drew this specific group together. I grew to love each of them through our practices together, on and off the mat, and I think they loved me back.

I woke up early every morning without an alarm and walked on the beach after doing my energy work. One morning, I even got to watch the sun rise. To my surprise and glee, when I was taking a panoramic of the sunrise, I decided to continue on and ended up getting a photo of the sun and full moon in the same photo. Amazing!

Sunrise and full moon

Sunrise over the beach - breath taking!

Someone stuck these huge pieces of driftwood in the sand, and it was too pretty not to take a photo of.

I walked down the beach in the direction of the sunrise. About a half mile down the beach, I heard a bird call behind me and turned around to see a beautiful egret. He stood perfectly still with his head cocked to the side just long enough for a photo opp before he flew down along the beach toward the sunrise.

Egret Pose - he's so good at it!

I would imagine that he or one of his kin left these prints in the sand, too.

Not much further down the beach, I came upon a little inlet where a couple was fishing from the concrete retaining wall. The man would throw the net into the inlet and walk a few steps down the wall before pulling it back in. Twice while I was watching, he had something in the net when it came up. I'm not sure what the first one was that he threw back, but the second was a fish flopping about that he put into a cooler before throwing the net back into the water. At one point, the woman pulled a breakfast sandwich out of her bag and took a couple bites before feeding some to him in between casts. It was such a beautiful thing to watch that I couldn't bear to get up and walk away. I sat there on my side of the concrete wall watching until my butt was numb before I got up to walk back to the house.

Fisherman and wife with birds

The only schedule we had to follow while we were there was yoga in the morning around 9ish and evening around 5ish. The running joke was the emphasis on the "ish". I mean, we were on vacation after all. Practice was beautiful every morning and evening overlooking the sand dunes and sometimes the ocean, depending on where you were on the deck. I even got to release a little more anger while I was down there, which was beautiful. I wrote in my journal and talked and loved as much as I could while I was down there and it was all so beautiful. My heart was cracked wide open over and over again, and every time, I could feel a layer peel away and melt away from my heart. So many layers of protection that we all have, and I love that I'm taking the steps to peel them away so that I can live more openhearted and love more.

When Wednesday rolled around, it was bittersweet. I was physically tired from all the practice. I haven't practiced that much since teacher training in 2013. I also felt stronger. I've noticed that since I haven't been practicing as much, my practice has gotten a little more relaxed. I haven't pushed myself to those edges, and I've given myself permission to back off in class so that I could observe and teach others. It felt good to be back in the trenches. I was ready to come home. To get back into life as a stronger, more relaxed version of myself. I was sad to say goodbye to my new yoga friends, but know that I will see them again when I'm meant to. The drive home was fairly uneventful, although I did get to see an engineering feat on my way. I'm not sure exactly what the function of this is or where it was headed, but it was neat to see this intricate pipe system taking up two lanes of the interstate.

Massive pipe connections! Yes, there's still a little enginerd left in me...

When I got home, to my surprise, the only thing I wanted was more yoga. I visited one of my other favorite teachers, Taunia Rice, at her beautiful Wednesday night practice at Belmont United Methodist Church to ease my way back into the Nashville way of life. I went to Khan's Desserts for dinner after, my absolute favorite vegan restaurant in Nashville, where they now have vegan soft serve ice cream!

This is the first "ice cream" sundae I've had in years! It was delicious!!!

This morning when I woke up, I got to see the knockout roses that bloomed while I was away before riding in to work with my favorite.

Beautiful knockout roses in the front yard.

We discussed my May budget on the way into Nashville this morning, and I cried at the fact that I have someone to help me with my budget and my money system which is one of my biggest stressers. It was also a huge relief that between yoga and dog/house/baby sitting, I'm going to have some money to pay my bills this month, so I rewarded myself with a pedicure this morning.

It's amazing how pretty toes can make you feel so good and change your mood! I'm so grateful that this is something I can do for myself. I'm grateful for the amazing beach retreat and the beautiful women and man I met while I was there. I'm grateful that I have light and love in my heart that I get to share with people I encounter. I'm grateful that I get to be out in nature. I'm grateful that I can hear birds chirping as I write this. I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my healing - physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm grateful that I have relationships with amazing people who mirror back to me the lessons I need to learn. I'm grateful that my parents have created a beautiful backyard oasis in the middle of East Nashville where I can sit when I don't want to drive to White House. I'm grateful I get to share these experiences with you. I'm grateful for Rebecca Carey, Daryn Jackson and Deborah Jackson of Unity Yoga Room for sharing this beautiful retreat with me. I'm just plain grateful.

I hope you're all out enjoying the sunshine and listening to the sounds of nature on this beautiful spring day, and I hope you'll join me this evening for a little meditation.

Love to you all!

Emily Rose

Let Go and Let GOD

Everyone has a different idea of what GOD means. God for some people is the religious version of God, which may or may not be spiritual, and is often thought of as a being to be feared and obeyed. For others, God is spiritual, a being who loves us unconditionally and does not judge us or punish us. In Kundalini Yoga, GOD stands for "that force which is always Generating, Organizing and Destroying" (and/or Delivering, depending on who you're talking to). Yogi Bhajan said, "God is not living on the seventh story, and no lift goes to Him. God is you. He is your expression. He is your identity in existence. That is why God is everywhere. Because wherever you are, God is. Because wherever you generate, organize and destroy, it is a fraction of the same that is already prevailing in the universal human. Therefore, we can conclude that the human is the image, or the finite activity, of the universal activity in operation."

This past weekend was my last weekend in Kundalini Teacher Training, and it was bittersweet. I am looking at it as a beginning instead of an ending. As part of our weekends together, we always check in as a group and go over what's happened since the last training weekend. We also check out, and just go over how we're feeling after the weekend of training, and what we're looking forward to. This weekend, when we checked out, we told everyone what we were releasing and what we were taking with us from this training. I released, "Everything" and took with me, "Love, clarity and me."

My teacher training class and teachers!

I'm not sure if I've told you before, but releasing for me takes place on many levels. Spiritually, I let go. It's easy. Mentally, I let go. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it takes a lot of work. Physically, I let go. This is sometimes incredibly ugly, and my poor family got to witness it on Sunday after graduation. (I won't go into details here.) I am also feeling the physical release as a pressure on my back. The body releases energetically through the back of our chakras, so it only makes sense to feel this.

But I'm getting off track. Or maybe I'm not? Let's go back to this weekend. Our graduation ceremony was on Sunday, and we invited friends and family to join us for the ceremony. Prior to the ceremony, we set intentions for what we wanted our practice to look like that we read aloud in the ceremony. It could be any "I am..." statement, so I chose one of my favorites that came to me last year sometime, and that is "I am the healing power and presence of God's Infinite light." I think I may have heard it in a Deepak Chopra meditation at some point.

I was so grateful to see my family and friends show their support of my choice on Sunday! It was truly amazing and inspiring. 

We also selected a Yogi Bhajan quote to share at graduation. My quote has been a mantra of mine for much of this training, so it wasn't hard for me to come back to it. Yogi Bhajan said, "Let go and let GOD." This is such a good way of expressing the surrender that's needed in order to achieve a spiritual life and practice. It encourages us to go with the flow, because everything is already taken care of. Stop trying to control your life, your body, your mind and just let it be connected to the Infinite being that you already are.

You are amazing just the way you are. You don't need anyone else's approval but your own. Go play. Do what makes you happy. If something makes you happy, don't let anyone take it from you. Wake up every morning and do what brings you joy. Surround yourself in beauty and love and people who support that in you. Everything you create is beautiful. Just be you.

Love and sat nam,
Emily Rose

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

They just keep on comin! I've made yet another move into what we're calling the Summer Home. I moved in with Beck. To some, that may seem like a big move, a huge commitment to move in with someone. For those of you who know me at all or have been reading this blog for any significant amount of time, you've probably already figured out that commitment is something I struggle with right now. We're getting around this by saying it's just temporary. Hence, this is my home for the summer. In August, Beck will be moving to Cookeville, and then I will have another decision to make about whether to go with him, stay here in Nashville, or find a new home altogether. Bali is looking pretty amazing right now. Just sayin....

I knew that I was making the right move when I was on the verge of cancelling my Thumbtack account and had a request from someone in White House, approximately 6 miles from my new front door. It turned out that they're musicians who travel a lot for work, but when they're home, they want me to teach them yoga as much as possible. That was pretty life-affirming, not just in my decision to move to White House, but also in my decision to become a yoga teacher. I don't know why it makes a difference, but when someone of this stature decides to put their body and spiritual development in your hands for an hour when they're at home for such short amounts of time, it makes you think, "Hm, maybe this really is where I'm meant to be."

I feel that way every time I end a class, too. I am so humbled by the gratitude that people express on their way out, when people tell me they feel like they've just gotten a massage, when people grow on their mats. It fills my heart with love and gratitude that my path has brought me here. I've said all along that I don't feel like this is my final resting spot, but it's a pretty amazing stepping stone.

Another change that has come into my life over the last few months is the opening of the Nashville Center for Alternative Therapy (NCAT).  NCAT is a one stop shop for alternative healing modalities. They have massage, acupuncture, yoga, energy work, hypnosis, sound therapy, and so much more. The things they don't have in-house, they have a network they can refer you to. I have "office" hours there every Friday from 1-8 pm! I'm taking on clients who want to use yoga or energy work to heal their bodies and minds. It's such a great spot to be, and I'm so grateful to the owners for their love and support as I'm growing my practice.

I can't help but acknowledge another major milestone that passed last month. I quit my job as an engineer in February 2014, and almost a year later, I'm actually able to pay most of my bills with yoga and energy work. Granted I've simplified my life and purged unneccessary items, services and expenses, but I'm making it work. Eventually, I know that as my practice and clientele grows, I'll be able to add those things back in. For now, though, I'm happy with where I am and where I'm headed. I hope you are, too! I'm so grateful that I get to wake up every day and help someone, even (especially??) if that someone is me.

I also have a new beautiful little being in my life. My niece was born in early February to my brother and his beautiful wife. She and my nephew are such beautiful little beings, and they have amazing parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles to love them and teach them the ways of the world. Their smiles melt my heart, and I love being able to spend time with them!

Oh, and one more thing that I want to share about my move to White House, is that it's in the country, y'all! White House is country. There are fields with cattle and cute little white farm houses and just amazing things all around me. I went to high school in New Harmony, Indiana, a small town in the middle of the corn fields and cattle farms in the southwest corner of Indiana, and being out here feels closer to being me than I have in a long time. Here's a beautiful photo I took on my run along the country roads a couple weeks ago.

Also, I'm making things. I crocheted a pretty cool hat that I gave to my sister for the cold spell we had here in middle Tennessee, and just this past Saturday, I went to visit my mom, who was cleaning out her closet. She found a sweatshirt from a trip my high school took to Washington DC for the 1997 inauguration, and tried to give it to me. She knew I am living a more simple life now, so she wasn't offended when I said no, but couldn't bring herself to get rid of it. My brain started rolling, and I was like, "Maybe we could make a pillow out of it." An hour later, we had this:

It's now sitting on my couch, and is pretty comfy. I had no idea I could make a pillow that quickly! I'm so grateful to my grandma and mom for teaching me how to sew when I was little. Grams also taught me to crochet, although I use the internet to find a lot of the patterns now. It's amazing the things you can do when you put your mind to it. We're such strong, powerful creators when we just open ourselves up and let it flow. Just do it!

I'm going to leave you with this St. Patrick's Day blessing to pay homage to my Irish roots:

May your troubles be less

And your blessings be more

And may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Love,

Emily Rose

Yoga and Meditation Opportunities with Emily Rose:

Tuesdays 7 pm NCAT Yoga - $12

Thursdays 6 pm NCAT Meditation - suggested love offering $5-10

Fridays 1-8 pm Private Yoga or Energy Sessions - $40 if you mention this blog

Saturdays 7 am Run<3Yoga<3Love Ampitheater at Bicentennial Mall - FREE

Saturdays 4:30 pm Gentle Hot Yoga at Kali Yuga Yoga in East Nashville - $13 drop-in

And COMING SOON: Spring into Kundalini Yoga 11:30 am at Kali Yuga Yoga (a six week introduction to Kundalini Yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan) - $13 drop-in/$60 series

That Sunny Spot in the Distance

It's getting closer!!!

It looked so far away a few years ago!  2014 felt like a race. It felt like I needed to catch up. Catch up to what, you may ask? I wasn't sure. It just felt like I had wasted so much time that I should have spent learning and getting to know myself better that I needed to cram it all into one year. Was there some goal?  Some date that if I didn't do all of that and learn all of that within that set amount of time that my time was going to expire and I was going to lose another life? It sure felt like it!

I realized this last week that it's been almost a year since I left my job in engineering. When I left, I had no idea what I was going to do for income. I had no idea what I would do with my time. It had been so ingrained in me that in order to pay my bills and get by in this life, I had to work for someone who paid me money every week. I feel like I've spent much of the last year learning over and over that when I need money or food or gas, it will be there for me. Yes, I may have to work for it, but it doesn't have to be a regular hours for regular pay type job. It can be flexible. It can look like what I want it to look like. I've also learned that a lot of the things I was told were important when I was growing up really don't matter in the whole scheme of things. 

That said, I was approached this week with an opportunity to do some CAD (drafting) work for a coworker from my engineering life who has started his own company. It would be flexible, on my own time and in my own space. I took a couple days to think about it, because it sent me into a tailspin of thoughts like, "I can't go back there!"

Luckily, I had someone to bounce this off of who has observed and supported me through my transition out of engineering and the 40 hour work week. He talked me down off the ledge and helped me look at it from a different perspective. I have control of my hours and my life still with this opportunity because of the flexibility. It's also a good source of income that can help me take steps toward the things I love. I've also learned over the last year that the beauty of all opportunities is that just because this feels good now and I'm saying yes now doesn't tie me to that response. I can stop at any time if it starts to feel bad. I have free will. I have the ability to choose every day what feels good!  I am the only person in my life who can make these decisions for me! I'm going to tip-toe cautiously into this opportunity and see where it takes me.

And that brings me to the amazing affirmation that Rev. Dr. Mitch offered us in the service at Center for Spiritual Living Nashville last weekend. In his best preacher voice, he got up on that stage and told us to take charge of our lives. He had us repeat after him:

I love myself!  I believe in myself!  I deserve the very best this life has to offer!

He even said that we might not believe it at first but to say it anyway. You know what??  I believe it. You should, too!

I know every day that I do something good for myself, something that makes me love or believe in myself a little more that I'm getting a little closer to that sunny spot in the distance. I'm running toward it!

Much love,

Emily Rose

The Love of a Sister

I've had the joy this week of reconnecting with my many sisters in this life in one way or another.  My blood sister has started dating again, and she's coming to me for advice.  It's drawing us together in a way that I never thought possible for so many reasons, starting with the one where I told my parents to take her back the first time I met her in the hospital.  I don't know what was going through my 2 1/2 year old mind when I said that, but that's the mentality that has stuck with me and a stigma that has tainted my relationship with my sister for the last 32 years.

My family moved around a lot when I was growing up.  I had friends, but they came and went a lot.  I still see some of them occasionally, but the constant people in my life were my parents, my big brother (who I had an amazing relationship with) and my little sister (who was always someone I tolerated being around).  Growing up, I always found it easier to relate with my brother.  He talked enough for the both of us (I was always quiet and shy growing up), and was there for me when I needed help or needed someone to stand up for me.

My little sister was just a pest who took Mom and Dad's attention away from me, and I was a princess and deserved all of their attention!  Haha!  At least that's what my little child self always thought (maybe even still thinks??).  I built up a resentment toward my sister that usually resulted in me hurting her either physically or emotionally and then going out for a run to burn off the remaining anger I felt toward her.  Everyone always told me that as we grew up, we would grow closer, but that just never happened for us.  In my mind, she would always be that spoiled little child who demanded all of Mom and Dad's attention and love.

While I "grew up," got my degree, got a "real" job, got married, and settled into a life of goals and ambitions, I watched her struggle to find her footing jumping from one job to the next, living off (and with) mom and dad and continuing to demand all of their attention and love even as an adult.  I continued to water the resentment I held toward her and allowed it to grow into the light.

When I started seeing a therapist and started really diving into the issues with my sister, I actually started talking about the resentment I had toward her.  I would openly tell her and anyone else who would listen how miserable I was because of her.  This only started to lighten when she started to "grow up."  She really started working on herself and figured out what she wanted to do with her life.  She wanted to go to nanny school.  At this point, Mom and Dad were refusing to pay for yet another round of training for a job she would work for a few months and realize that it wasn't what she wanted to do.  For some reason, it felt right for me to help her.  I cosigned on a student loan for her to attend English Nanny and Governess School, and she went through with it.  I was so proud of her the day I went up to Chagrin Falls, Ohio to watch her graduate and get her Nanny Certification.  She got an amazing job with a family in Chicago, and I really felt like she was getting her life together.  There were a couple of hiccups along the way, but she stuck with the nanny gig and was really good at it.

When I got divorced and quit my job, however, I started to resent her again, because she lived off my parents for so long.  When I wanted their help, though, they told me to get a job or maybe I shouldn't have quit the job I had.  I couldn't understand why it was okay for her to work through all of her stuff with their help, and it wasn't okay for me to be without a job and try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  And one day, they started helping me.  They bought me food and toilet paper and paper towels, and asked what else I needed.  This somehow helped to melt away some of the resentment I felt toward my sister.

Then, she started going to school.  She had tried school before that didn't last, so I wasn't sure how serious she was this time.  For some reason, though, this time was different.  She's finishing up her second semester, and I couldn't be more proud of her for the woman she's becoming.  She even helped me get a job as a nanny to an adorable little boy who I'm helping raise into an amazing and loving toddler.  She started dating recently and reached out to me for advice, and I feel like we're finally starting to relate the way that sisters are meant to relate.

On Sunday, we went to breakfast and then to service at the Center for Spiritual Living Nashville.  One of the songs that they sang during service was "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips.  I don't know a single 30-something girl who didn't have that song on cassette when they were little, not to mention the amazing homage to the song at the end of the movie "Bridesmaids".  Let me interject by saying that every service I have been to at the Center has made me cry at least once; tears of joy, tears of sorrow, tears of loss, tears at how beautiful the young souls are who get up and do their affirmations at the beginning of service and then the song about them being a big, shiny light that we sing as they leave to go off to their youth activities during the rest of service.

Well, of course "Hold On" made me cry, because for some reason, this was the week that I felt like I needed a break from all of the work I was doing.  I am scared shitless about the journey I am embarking on as I go into another Kundalini training weekend followed by a week at Kundalini Winter Solstice Sadhana Celebration, not to mention not knowing where my life is going.  When they sang the words, "I know that there is pain, but you hold on for one more day, and you break free from the chains," I couldn't help but tear up knowing that it was a sign that my time is coming.  Every sign I've gotten this week has told me this same thing; given me this same message.  At the end of service, they always sing a song as people are walking out, and "Hold On" was that song.  My sister and I channeled our inner "bridesmaids" and joined the Music Ministry as we danced along in our pew, a little more of that resentment melting away.  I think that might have been the closest I've ever felt to my sister, and I'm glad to have deepened that bond.

Today, I shared that same love with a different kind of sister, a soul sister.  We all have people who we come into this life knowing, and I have had the wonderful opportunity to reconnect with many of my soul sisters, thanks to a beautiful soul named Kim Salter, who facilitates a Sisterhood Circle in East Nashville.  It is a beautiful gathering of sensitive, strong and amazing women who come together to hold space for each other and really listen in a way that facilitates healing.  This is an amazing group, because how often are you really heard in your life?  As someone working on my expression and opening myself and my voice, it is very important for me to feel heard at a soul level.  These women offer that for me, and the friendships and bonds extend out past the weekly circle, as well.  If this is something you feel is missing in your life, you can learn more about Circle on Kim's LIFE.Designed Facebook page here.

I also had the amazing opportunity today to connect with two of my friends from my engineering days who have seen me through a lot of the inner turmoil and helped me through the worst days and still love and support me through the changes I'm experiencing in my life.  I'm so grateful to have such amazing friends and such amazing lunches to remind me of that connection.  The friendship I share with those women is so much more than any of the friendships I've ever had, and I'm so grateful for the growth I've gotten to witness in their lives and relationships.

And coming back to that little bit where I talked about messages and signs that have come to me this week, I want to talk a little bit about RunYogaLove.  Beck and I have been running almost every Saturday since I started it in September in the hopes that someone will join us.  It hasn't been a big deal that we haven't had others with us yet, because it was kind of fun having each other to run with and having him there made me feel less tied to any kind of results or growth or expectations I had in starting it.

The last two weekends, however, Beck ran in a half marathon and went to visit family, so I ran by myself.  I used to love running by myself.  It was a fun way for me to explore the city and enjoy the weather and the scenery.  For some reason, the last two Saturdays were really hard for me and brought up a lot of my feelings of not being enough.  Am I not trying hard enough to spread the word?  Am I not likeable enough for people to want to run with me?

Before you freak out and start reaching out to make sure I'm okay, I know this is not true.  I know that I am enough and that I am beautiful and perfect in every way.  We all have our moments, though, right?  It triggered a lot of my "not enough" mentality that I have struggled with most of my life.  It has been a great opportunity for me to work on that, and I am so appreciative that I have had that opportunity.  As I was questioning why I'm doing it, I kept getting the message that I should keep going.  Keep running.  Keep showing up.

I'm ready for you to join me, though!  I will be in teacher training this weekend and out of town December 14-25, but I look forward to seeing you all on the road at 6:30 am on Saturday, December 27th to run off those holiday cookies!

Much love,
Emily Rose