Courage

It took some time for me to float back down from the cloud I was on to write this for you, but I wanted to share my experience with you!  I spent 10 days on beautiful Circle F Dude Ranch in Lake Wales, Florida with some of the most beautiful and authentic human beings I have ever encountered. If you talked to me or read my blog before I left, you know that I was a little terrified going into this experience. I was scared of the changes that were going to take place. I was scared that yet another scar was going to be torn wide open for me to face again. Those feelings were gone as soon as I set foot in the Luggage tent at Winter Solstice.

First, though, let me tell you a little about my trip to get there. I booked my flight before I even committed to going to the Solstice celebration, not paying any attention at all to the 'Travel' page on the Solstice website. I looked at where the celebration was and when I saw that it was close to Tampa, I got really excited that I would be able to visit my friend, Alison, before or after the celebration. I texted Alison to make sure she would be around and then booked my flight from Nashville to Tampa. After all, Southwest was having a big sale, and I had more than enough points to pay for the flight. Well, it turned out that 3HO had an arrangement with a shuttle service to get people from Orlando to the Ranch. Shoot...

When I found this out the week before I left, I considered changing my flight into Orlando. I was way too excited about visiting with Alison, though. Then, I got a mailer from Southwest that I was getting 6,000 points for the anniversary of my card. So, I thought, no big deal!  I'll rent a car with my points when I get down there. It turns out that renting a car is way more points than I ever would have expected. So, I called Enterprise about renting a car one-way from Tampa to Lake Wales only to find out that you could only rent cars there if you had a major credit card or a valid Florida drivers license. Dang it!!!  Why didn't I bring my credit card??  

Alison and I started brainstorming ways to make this work, and she mentioned that the husband of a friend of hers might be willing to take me out there for less than the cost of a Lyft. She texted, he agreed, and a couple hours later I found myself in the car with a perfect stranger for the 1.5 hour ride to the Ranch. He was a perfectly lovely man, and we spent our time talking about yoga, religions, his shrimp boat operations, and a random assortment of other things.  The ride passed by really fast, and before you knew it, we were turning onto the Ranch. 

We took a nice tour of the Solstice operations before ending up at the Luggage tent, where I got to meet Hari Mander, a yogi from Asheville with a heart of gold and an accent to match. He explained to me the process of checking in and gave me the skinny on the best places to set up camp and sent me out to get to know the land and find the perfect spot for delivery of my luggage. 

I walked down by the lake and found the perfect spot in full view of the glory of the water. The beautiful, healing water!  

As I stood there, though, I realized it was also in full sun, which in Florida is kind of a big deal, so I found a shady spot on top of the hill instead that still had a good view of the lake.  I had my luggage delivered to this beautiful spot and set up my borrowed tent (thank you, Beck!) with my borrowed sleeping pad (thank you, Beck!) and my borrowed sleeping bag (thank you, Beck!) and admired my view.

Then, I headed back down to the Luggage tent and hung out with my new friends. I worked six hours most of the days I was down there, but even when I wasn't working, I wanted to be in that tent with those beautiful souls. One of the managers calls it Luvvage, and it is so true. That crew is so full of love!  We met every morning while we were there except the White Tantric days and did a group meditation to clear blocks and a group check-in. This was my favorite part!  We all had time to talk about how we were feeling, things that were coming up while we were there, and what we needed.

The great thing about it was that we did these check-ins in our groups, but it continued even outside the group. I could walk up to any person down there and ask how they were doing and get an authentic, honest answer that sometimes lead to discussions about the grief I still occasionally feel over the death of my Grandpa or the end of my marriage or the elation I feel when I look up at the clouds. You never knew where these conversations were going to go, but when you were in them, you didn't have anywhere else to be. Time disappeared, and the only people who existed were the two of you holding space for each other, mirroring emotions and beauty back at each other.  One day during Tantric, I came to the realization thati wanted it to be like this everywhere. I wanted to be surrounded by authentic, open-hearted, beautiful people every day. And I'm going to find a way to make that happen.

Now on to White Tantric Yoga!  The thing I dreaded the most about this trip...and realized that there's nothing there to dread!  It was three days of sitting on a pillow facing (and mostly looking into the eyes) of a partner. The first day was someone I knew (I love you, Robin!), the second day was someone I came to know while I was down there in the days leading up to Tantric (I love you, Ranjeet!), and the third day was someone I didn't know at all and may never see or talk to again (much love to the Zen Master, Gard, pictured below). 

We sat in postures, holding mudras and repeating mantras for 31 or 62 minutes each with 10-25 minute breaks in between. They were all different and were all very specifically organized to bring up issues and emotions stored in your muscles and organs. One day of White Tantric Yoga is said to be the same as six months of therapy without having to talk about it. Amazing technology!

The emotions I went through over the three days were intense, ranging from anger to loneliness to utter exaltation. One of the mantras in kundalini yoga is "God and me, me and God, are one."  I truly felt that after three days of Tantric. I felt connected. I felt the oneness. I felt the love. It was beautiful and amazing and I have no idea what I was worried about. 

That said, they strongly encouraged us to begin a 40-day practice after Tantric and to journal and that we would likely notice subtle changes over the next 40 days. I have to say that I was a little disappointed that the changes weren't immediate. At the same time, I'm immensely grateful that there are changes and that they're gentle. I have started noticing shifts in my outlook, in my thought patterns, and in my life in general. My manifestation skills have been validated several times over the last week, with increased opportunities to teach yoga and perform energy work. I've attracted more music into my life in different forms. My faith is unwavering. I'm excited about my life and the directions it's headed. I finally feel like I'm running in the right direction.

And all of this happened because I had the courage to face my fear of change. In my numerology reading from 3HO, it said that my gift is fearlessness. I talked to Alison one day when I was in Tampa about how I was scared to death about so many of the things I've done, and she told me about this amazing quote from John Wayne:

And then I came home and one of my Christmas gifts from my partner's family was this really cool key!

I've been wearing it every day since I got it, and I look forward to the day that I can pass it on to someone else who needs it.  I hope you all have the courage to face the fears that are keeping you "stuck" wherever you feel stuck. Change is a beautiful thing, and there is so much beauty in life if you just go out and live it!