My New Gig

Y'all, every time I start to doubt...every...time...I am reminded that God, the Source, Universe - whatever you want to call it - has my back. It really is the source of everything good, all abundance flows to me through it. I don't know why I doubt when I know that this is true. I have been reminded over and over again, and will continue to be reminded every time I doubt. All I have to do is ask.

Oh, and by the way, I'm going to post some happy photos throughout this post today to make up for the sad photo I posted last week. I had so much feedback from people telling me how sad it made them to see the cryey face. I gave you no warning! People aren't used to the cryey face, because it usually only happens at home. I wanted y'all to see the real, though. I wanted you to know that you're not the only one who breaks down. It happens to all of us occasionally. It's the bounce back that really matters, though. What comes from those break downs is way more important than the break down itself.

I have a condo in Hendersonville that I have been renting out for the last couple years, just enough to cover the expenses of the condo. I had discussed the move-out date situation with the current tenants and they asked if they could stay another month. When it came time for them to pay the additional month's rent, I found out that two of the three tenants had already moved out and the third had decided to move out on the original end date for the lease. This fell within the 30 day notice period that was required by the lease, so I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't start to freak out immediately, but when the mortgage came due and I didn't have the rent money to pay it, I started to question. I learn something new with every tenant who I work with, and this time, I'm making the notice period 60 days to give me a little more leeway to get a new tenant in there. Since I'm also getting better at managing my budget, this will be the last time I have this problem, I'm sure. All that to say that I posted an ad for a new tenant and had five showings lined up within a day of posting the ad. I found an amazing tenant with a full time job and no roommates who will be moving in mid-August. We signed a lease yesterday and the deposit has been paid in full. It's super exciting!

In more exciting news, I started teaching a new class that's 5 miles from my house on Monday. It's at an amazing gym that offers yoga Monday thru Thursday and personal training most days. Summit Fitness + Sports Performance is a Cross Fit certified gym that has a yoga studio right next door. I'll be teaching anywhere from 2-5 classes each week there starting in August. My classes will be Monday, Tuesday and Friday at 6:30 pm, and we're going to look into adding morning classes over the next couple of weeks. If you haven't already, head over and "Like" their Facebook page, too, at www.facebook.com/summitfitnessandsportsperformance. It's just a couple guys pursuing their dreams just like me and you.

In case you're wondering, I haven't forgotten about Run❤️Yoga❤️Love. It's on the back burner for now. Once I get these changes under my belt, we're going to figure out how to resurrect our weekly runs. We may even do a beginners series starting in September. Keep your eyes peeled!

For now, though, there are already some amazing options for running in Nashville. I've committed to run all 12 of the Wednesday night runs with East Nasty, and you can keep up with them here: www.facebook.com/eastnasty.  I usually start with the slowest group and end up walking most of it. If you ever want to join me, reach out! Also, if you haven't heard about the Germantown Running Club, head on over to their page to read about their Tuesday night runs: www.facebook.com/germantownrunning. Nashville Running Company has runs through the week, too, with their East or West locations: http://www.nashvillerunning.com/weekly-runs/. Fleet Feet has some weekly runs posted on their website, too! http://www.fleetfeetnashville.com/events/weekly-runs. So many options! I hope to see you out on a run soon!

I'm so grateful for you and your continued support. Have I told you lately that I love you? I really do.

And the question for today is...What would it take for you to take a yoga class? Or schedule a private yoga session? Why haven't you tried it yet? What's keeping you from practicing with me? I would love to hear from you!

Much love,
Emily Rose

What are you grateful for?

It happens every once in a while. The scared little girl inside comes out and the ego starts to question what I'm doing with my life and then Colbie Callet's song "Try" comes on the radio and the tears start to flow. It's not pretty, but it's real.

And then I read a new post on one of my favorite blogs (http://adviceigivemyself.com/2015/07/17/when-perfectionism-is-driving/) and "Only Human" by Christina Perri comes on the radio and it reminds me that this is part of the process. We bleed when we fall down. It happens. We get back up. We're a little stronger. We pick up the pieces and maybe add a few more sparkles and glue it all together, take a minute to admire our work and work on filling the cup back up with happy moments. An amazing yoga teacher of mine (love you, Raquel!) talked a lot in class about a process of putting broken pieces of China back together filling the cracks with gold. I think of that every time I fall apart and how much shinier I am every time I come back together.

I had a really rough day the other day because I was struggling with my old bank taking my money. I divorced SunTrust yesterday. We've had a questionable relationship since they held onto over $1k of my money last year for 10 days without an apology or any kind of interest or even responding to my request for an overdraft fee of $36 and a long term overdraft fee of $36 after 7 days. (let it go! Let it go!) Yes, I have learned the hard way that this is what they charge their long term customers for an overdraft. Even if it only lasts 24 hours. But they can hold onto my money for 10 days without any compensation. Then, my car payment (to SunTrust from SunTrust) gets pushed through to my account and causes me to be overdraft. They did me a favor and pushed it through because I'm a long term client. That's what the manager told me when I closed my account yesterday. Thanks, SubTrust for "helping" me in this way that not only allowed you to get the car payment, but also $72 in overdraft fees for the two transactions that were processing when that car payment pushed my account into overdraft. This all happened after I called to talk to a SunTrust representative about canceling my payment and he assured me that it would not go through. I'm not blaming them for my irresponsibility with my money over the last couple of years, but what I am blaming them for is their lack of compassion for those of us pursuing our dreams. I'm blaming them for all of the times that I've talked to one of their representatives and been told that all would be ok and then checked my account a day later to find that they've screwed me again. No more, SunTrust! You will not get another dime from me in overdraft charges or that $7 monthly account service fee that you randomly started charging me a few months back without giving me any kind of notification.  Most of my problems right now revolve around money, but my SunTrust checking account will no longer be one of them. Actually, I'm just going to let go of any limiting thoughts I have around money right now. Want to join me? I now release my lack mentality and any limiting beliefs I hold around money and success. That feels better.

All that to say that I had a bad experience. I've been making a conscious effort to focus on my good experiences more than the bad ones. Every time I think about a bad experience, instead of going into a tailspin thinking about all of the bad things going on in my life (which is one of my old patterns) I like to think about something that I'm grateful for in my life. So here goes! I'm so grateful for the changes I've made in my life that have made me more free and happy. I'm grateful for my amazing private clients who I get to work with when they're in town and who included me in their morning prayer after our yoga session the other day. I cannot tell you what an honor that was to be included in such an intimate family practice. That's what yoga is all about for me. So beautiful!

Now I want to hear from you. What are you grateful for??

Happy Birthday to Me!

I LOVE my birthday!!! I mean seriously love it. I wish every day was my birthday. I mean who doesn't?? For me, though, it's not about the gifts or the cake so much as the fact that I can act like a spoiled brat and the world revolves around me, and people are going to love me anyway.

I had an amazing conversation with a friend the other day about this very topic. I love being the center of attention. I love acting like no one else in the world has needs but me. I love to be the object of everyone else's love and adoration. Why, then, is it that I only act like this on my birthday??

Somewhere along the way, someone told me not to be selfish. Someone told me that I needed to share and be nice to others. At some point, though, I started putting other people's needs, wants and happiness in front of my own without them even asking me to do it. This is a pattern that was formed years and years and years ago, and it's a pattern I need to learn how to break before I'm able to commit to a serious relationship with someone else, and especially before I become a mother, which is something I really want to do in the near future.

So what does that mean? What does that even look like to break that pattern?? Y'all have heard me and probably a million other people talk about self love, right? Well, what does that look like?? My first step is not to help someone unless they ask for it. This is really hard for me. My mama raised me to help other people.  If someone is struggling to reach that can on the top shelf at the grocery store, I would normally see it, realize they were struggling, and walk over to offer my assistance.

This is even harder to keep from doing as an empath. I want to help everyone. I walk into a room and feel what people are feeling, physically and emotionally. This is a "gift" that I was born with and have probably been honing since I was a child and didn't even realize that I had it until I was an adult and talked to someone about their experiences and finally put a name on what I'd been experiencing for years. What a relief!!! I'm not alone. As a yoga teacher, I can use that gift to help people who walk into my classes or ask for private lessons. It truly is a gift. In my personal life, it makes it hard to be around people for extended periods of time. I mean pretty much everyone has something going on, and taking all of that on is a lot for one person. I've learned to avoid situations where I know I'll be around big groups of people. I've learned techniques like zipping up and shielding my electromagnetic field and things like that that help guard against letting in the sharp stuff, but in the end, the easiest way to help myself is some good quality time alone meditating or just sitting in silence.

Hmm...but I think I digressed there. Back to self love and helping yourself first. You know when you're in the airplane and the flight attendant tells you that if you're traveling with small children, you should put on your own oxygen mask before putting on your child's? There's a really good reason for that. Basically, if you don't have an oxygen mask on, chances are that you're going to die, probably before you can get your child's mask on. Then you're both dead and that would be horribly sad.

The same applies to life. If you go around helping and giving energy to people who didn't ask for it, you won't have energy left to help the people who need it and want your help and are going to be grateful for it.

You have to start, though, by filling up your own cup.  I do this through meditations, playing, running and being around people who share the same love and respect for me that I share for them. I love being around people who love me back. Who doesn't??

So, the gift that I'm giving myself for my birthday in addition to that amazing run I took this morning followed by a fabulous meditation on the front porch looking up at the beautiful clouds in the sky and watching one of my favorite one-year-olds in the world is that it's okay to put myself first. 

It's okay to not help that stranger who fell down in the stream on my way to Cummins Falls (can you tell there's a little guilt there? She had friends with her and a crowd of people forming before I even knew what was going on. It's not like I left her completely alone and bleeding to death). It's okay to not engage in drama in the people's lives around me. From now on, I'm only helping people who ask for my help, and I reserve the right to choose whether I engage in friends' drama, and I give myself full permission to speak up and be "selfish" and love myself.

I would love to hear from you. Is this something that you do? What types of things do you do for self care?

Love,

Emily Rose

Don't Go Down There! It's Dark and Scary!

I'm sure you've heard this before from your mom or grandma or babysitter or maybe just some random adult type who happened to be passing by when you were considering crawling through that storm drain when you were little. Or maybe you were like me and storm drains and clowns scared the crap out of you because you watched Stephen King's "It" with your older brother. I mean, seriously, I couldn't sleep at night with that book on my shelf staring at me. But I digress.

I've been spending a lot of time in deep thought recently, trying to figure out my next step and which idea to grab onto and run with. Well, while I was thinking, it occurred to me that I was on one path for a long time, and it was the path that was well-traveled, safe and secure. It turned out not to be so great, and along the way, I've had moments where I could have chosen another path, maybe one that was a little dark and scary and unknown. I didn't choose those paths, because I listened to the people around me and avoided the dark and scary and unknown. I'm realizing now, though, that even though those paths were dark and scary and unknown, they're nothing compared to the work I've done over the last couple years, hacking my way through the deep woods without even a tiny little path to follow and some crazy noises and lions and tigers and bears, oh my! So this is what it looked like in my head as I was having this stream of thought.

Crazy, huh? And that little heart there is me.

When we start our lives, we have all of this information that we bring in with us, mainly unconditional love and joy and wonderment at the world around us. As we grow older, we have people instill a healthy (or sometimes not so healthy) fear of certain things in our lives. Healthy fears are the ones where they tell us not to touch the stove because it's hot or not to cross the road when there's a car coming. Healthy, right?

Okay, so for unhealthy fears, I'm thinking things like, "Don't talk to strangers." Yes, sometimes that's good, but not all strangers are bad. And how many times have you not talked to someone who might change your life for the good just because they were a stranger? There's no way to know, right? Other unhealthy fears are not being good enough at what we're trying to do or not being loved or not having enough or whatever it is that's keeping you from choosing the path and the purpose that you came here to live. Anyway, here we are at the start of our journey, choosing the path of love (my path) or the path of fear (the path well-traveled).

Yikes! Which path do we choose??

For most of my generation and the generations before me, the choice was the path well-traveled. We went down that path and made money and bought the things everyone told us we needed like a car and a house (so that we could be stable and secure and be able to drive to the job that we have to have in order to pay for the things that we have) and other things we accumulate along the way. We may hit some bumps in the road that come at just the right time to choose that dark, scary path through the woods, but it's dark and scary and unknown and we've been warned about those paths. There are things down those paths that could hurt us. Murderers hiding in the bushes or poisonous snakes or spiders or tree frogs! So we continue down the well-traveled path.

Don't go down that path!

As we continue down that well-traveled path, maybe we start to realize that we don't feel quite right. (Or if you're like me, don't feel at all.) One day, we may get a blow to the gut so intense that we start to wake up, to look at things that are happening around us and to us and realize that even though we created this life, it isn't exactly what we want right now. For me, that blow to the gut was the day I found out that my ex-husband was posting and replying to personal ads on Craigslist. As I read through email after email after email (some with pictures!), I literally felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. That was my wake up call. I was already seeing a therapist at this point, so she helped me through the emotions that came up through all of this. Between her, my yoga instructors, acupuncturist and energy healer, I waded through it.

It may be something completely different for you. I hope it is! Maybe it's something a little less dramatic, or maybe you're paying a little more attention to the signs along the way that tell you not to fall asleep at the wheel. Or maybe it's something worse, but I promise you that someone has been there before, right where you are. And this brings us to our second dark, scary path. Do you stay? Or do you go? Do you stay in this life that you've chosen, on this well-traveled path because at least you know what it looks like? Or do you leave and choose the unknown, dark, scary path?

Do I stay or do I go?

I chose to stay. I chose to see if we could work it out. Maybe he would change. Maybe I could be okay with it. Maybe things will get better if I just keep working on myself and finding who I am, that beautiful soul who has been covered up with layers and layers of other people's beliefs of who I should be. But what about what I want? When I did my exercises and worked on myself at home, he got upset because he said they were making me self-centered. What he didn't realize was that that was the point. I wasn't going to live my life for someone else anymore. I wanted to live it for me. At this point, I had missed my next (and last??) dark, scary cut through path that would lead me to my path.

Oh no! Now what do I do??

I could hear the wolves howling in the distance, but friends held my hand as I made the decision to cut through the deep woods to find my way to my path. It's been quite the journey, let me tell you. At first it was light brush, nothing I couldn't navigate. Eventually, though, I got into the deep stuff, with vines growing everywhere that I had to break through. I lost a lot of people along the way. There was no way they were walking through these woods with me. Some of them have come back in one way or another as I'm hacking my way through.

The healing I've done along the way has been riddled with dark and scary things from my past that I had completely forgotten about. Repeating patterns have been exposed to me over and over until I chose to respond to them in different ways. But I'll tell you what...those layers and layers of beliefs have lifted. The layers of protection I had placed over my heart have peeled back one by one and revealed my true desires, my true self. The self I knew when I was a child.

I'm coming out of the darkness now, and one thing that I've realized is that those wolves howling in the distance is my pack, my tribe, whatever you choose to call them. I didn't meet them until after I made that decision to dive into the deep end. They showed up and lit up my life and we have helped each other lift those layers and discover who we truly are. They're those people in my life who have looked at me in all my imperfection and darkness and loved me anyway. They're the people I can't imagine my life without, the people I can see myself growing old with. The sense of acceptance and community that I feel even when we're not together has been the light that I've carried with me through the darkest spots in the woods.

Hanging out with my pack in the woods

I can see the light now, and the brush is getting thinner again. I know that I'm coming out of the woods and onto the path that I'm meant to be on. The end goal is getting more and more clear, and the only thing that's really clear right now is that it will be full of love and community and water. There will be water, and a lot of it. A large body of water of some type. I'm being called back to it now. I feel calm when I think of it, and my next journey will be a journey of discovery to find that place where I'm meant to settle down and grow my roots.

Not the end, but the place where my heart will live forever.

I know that that place will be a place of unconditional love and acceptance, both for myself and for others. I hope that you'll join me on this path! And know that as you run away from that well-traveled path that maybe you're not running away so much as running toward the place you're meant to be.

I wish I could give credit to the person who created this, but I have no idea where it came from!

I want to leave you with this. Just because something is unknown does not mean it's bad or wrong. I encourage you to take that dark scary path, because going through the deep woods is not fun. However, if you find yourself there in those deep dark woods, know that you're not alone. You have a pack, a tribe, who has been there waiting for you, and ya know what?? They have a flashlight!

Thank you so much for coming with me on this journey!

Much love,

Emily Rose

P.S. I want to give mad props to my amazing Auntee C for the beautiful ceramic heart that was a gift to me and I love it with all of my hearts! You can see more of her beautiful work here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Charlotte-Barber-Wiley-Pottery/116116151757124

You Deserve to be Happy

Y'all, my mama works her butt off! I mean, literally works so hard that at the end of the day, she falls into her recliner and doesn't move for the rest of the evening. Actually, scratch that. At the end of her day working for other people, she comes home and works in her own yard, making it beautiful and colorful. Then, she might have some dinner and crash into her recliner. Do you want to know how much she makes? A little more than minimum wage, but not hardly enough to get by. Really not even enough for the physical abuse that her body takes. Want to know what she does? She takes care of the plants at hotels and office buildings around Nashville. When you walk into the Hilton downtown, the beautiful flowers and plants that you see on the outside and even inside the building are thanks to my mama and the company she works for. She has had her knee replaced in the last two years, so you may even see her hobbling around from her truck to the planter beds with her tools and her watering can. She's like a little worker bee flitting from one planter bed to the next.

I've asked her so many times why she doesn't take on a management position and get people to work under her planting and watering and what-not, but her joy, her happy place is working in the dirt. When I see how big she smiles when she's working, I can't resist but smile with her. She's more outgoing and will talk to people she would normally never even think about talking to. It's like putting on her cape and going into superhero mode when she's working with her plants. I love watching her, and think every time that I hope I find something someday that I am that passionate about. She deserves to be happy, and I'm glad that she's found something that makes her happy and that she occasionally gets to share that gift with me.

Which brings it back to me. I spent the weekend in a spiritual bliss of music infusion. I went to a yoga concert on Friday at Liberation Yoga where we practiced yoga and then sat on our mats and were serenaded by two of the most beautifully blended voices I've heard in a long time. We listened to the angelic sounds of Mishelbe, a dynamic duo of two petite yogis (Michelle and Shelby) who met at yoga teacher training and found out they can make beautiful music together. We even got to join in when they broke into mantras in the middle of their songs. The way they incorporated ancient sound currents into modern music and words was phenomenal, and I'm so grateful that I got to experience it. Oh, and I got to experience it not only once, but twice, because they just happened to play again on Sunday at a Kirtan I attended at the Music City Center for Spiritual Living with my beautiful mama. I'm a little obsessed with them right now, so this probably won't be the last time you hear about them.

Oh, and all of this after the ending of the season of The Voice, which I watched every episode glued to the TV with the thought, "I want to do that. I should be up there" running through my head over and over and over as if it were a mantra. I feel so called to sing right now that it's a little scary, and the fact that I'm even sharing this in this media is even more scary to me. As I listened to the music of Mishelbe, I couldn't help but think that I wanted to do that, that it could have been me up there. It could still be me up there. Maybe I'll get up there and realize that's not my dream or my purpose, but I just started to follow Taylor Swift on Instagram where she's posting photos from her concerts. I have to say that seeing her in her glitter and sequins up on stage, I can't imagine anything else I would want to do right now. I just have to find the courage to get up on stage. Who wants to give me a shove? Don't think this is going to be an easy task, y'all! I spent the last two years finding a voice that I didn't even realize I had lost, and even this blog is a testament to the progress that I've made. For now, this is my stage.

But wait, why are we here? Happiness! That's right. So, every morning (at least when I remember), I look myself in the eye (in the mirror) and read myself a note that I wrote to my inner child in my sister circle a while back. I know I've posted it before, but I'm going to post it again, because maybe you need to hear it again, too.

You are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. You don't need anyone else's approval but your own. Go play! Do what makes you happy. Wake up every morning and do what brings you joy. If something makes you happy, don't let anyone take it from you. Surround yourself in beauty and love and people who support that in you. Everything you create is beautiful. Just be you.

And then I take a deep breath and really let that settle into my bones. Some days I'll add another affirmation onto the end of it if there's something else I need to hear, but most days, this does the trick. Lately, though, I've been questioning myself on what truly makes me happy. What brings joy to my life and my days? And now that I'm reflecting on that, it's those days that I'm truly in the flow, moving smoothly from one activity, one connection to the next that make me truly happy. The soul level connections with like-minded people make me so happy that I could squeal! And I have not been giving myself enough of those lately. I've been trying to do it on my own, which is obviously one of my patterns that I get to work on. I'm so excited that my sister circle has decided to do a check-in every other week through the summer that will allow me to be surrounded by these beautiful beings who love and support me and allow me a non-judgemental platform to be heard. I wish this same happiness and love for you.

I would love to hear from you how you connect with others. What makes you happy? Why haven't you done that yet today?? You deserve it! You deserve to be happy!

Much love,
Emily

The Art of Healing by Bernie S. Siegel, MD

I just finished reading this amazing book! If you are sick, you know someone who is sick or have ever known someone who was sick, or really, if you just know someone, I would highly recommend this book. As the title indicates, there is an art to healing, and Dr. Siegel does a great job of explaining how art work created by patients and family members helped him heal their dis-ease. The book describes so much more, though. There were several things in this book that stood out to me, and one of my favorite things is that at the end of each chapter, he gives a Doctor's Rx, which is some type of homework or question to really get you thinking about how  you can live a healthier, happier life. Toward the end of the book, the Doctor's Rx is to "take the Immune-Competent Personality Test, based on Dr. George Solomon's research". It goes on to list the following questions (and I'm taking this directly out of the book, along with the answers):

1. Do I have a sense of meaning in my work, daily activities, family and relationships?
2. Am I able to express anger appropriately in defense of myself?
3. Am I able to ask friends and family for support when I am feeling lonely or troubled?
4. Am I able to ask friends and family for favors when I need them?
5. Am I able to say no to someone who asks for a favor if I can't do it or don't feel like doing it?
6. Do I engage in health-related behaviors based on my own self-defined needs instead of someone else's prescriptions or ideas?
7. Do I have enough play in my life?
8. Do I find myself depressed for long periods, during which time I feel hopeless about ever changing the conditions that cause me to be depressed?
9. Am I dutifully filling a prescribed role in my life to the detriment of my own needs?

ANSWERS:
If you answered yes to questions 1 through 7 and no to questions 8 and 9, you have an immune-competent personality that helps you to stay healthy, to overcome disease, and face challenges when they happen.  If you answered no to the first seven questions and yes to the last two, you need to pay attention to your behavior and rebirth yourself. I even recommend choosing a new name for this new you.

And my favorite part - Siegel went on to add three more questions to this test:

1. I am taking you to dinner.  Where do you want to go?
First response - Rome, Italy. That was the best food I've ever had, y'all! I have such beautiful memories from that city, and a lot of them involve food.  :)

2. What would you hold up before an audience to demonstrate the beauty and meaning of life?
I would hold up a flower. I mean how amazing is it that we get to witness the full life and beauty of a flower every spring?

3. How would you introduce yourself to God?
I'm Emily Rose. Here I am in all of my glorious imperfection. Love me!

Those are my responses to those last three, and here are the responses that Siegel gave in the book:

1. Your response should relate to your feelings, not what it costs or the food preferences of the other person. Be willing to accept the gift without responding to their question, "What do you want?"
2. A mirror.
3. By responding, "It's you" or "Your child is here." The best answer God ever heard from a high school student was "Tell God his replacement is here."

You can find an online version of this test at http://berniesiegelmd.com/resources/organizations-websites/immune-competent-personality-test/

So, as I read through the original questions, I was reminded once again that I'm on the right path. I would have answered "no" to the majority of the first seven questions about five years ago. While my answer may be a little closer to "most days" than to "yes" right now, I'm happy with the progress I've made. I'm becoming more established in a career that gives me meaning and purpose in my life and allows me to help people heal every time I teach a class. I am forming meaningful relationships with people I interact with. I have found volunteer activities at the Center for Spiritual Living Nashville that allow me to help the youth in that community. I pray that every encounter I have with another human leaves them feeling happy and full, and I hope that this blog has an impact on just one person - you?!? - and leaves you thinking about how you can change just one of those "no" responses to a "yes".

Much love,
Emily Rose

Beach Yoga Retreat

I owe a lot of people money right now. Like, way too many people. When I left to go on my beach yoga retreat earlier this week, I didn't tell very many people I was going. I give myself enough guilt that I really didn't want any more placed on me at the time. So, I told a select few people I was going, packed up my suitcase and yoga gear and took a nice long road trip to the beach. I needed this trip. I needed the ocean in all it's healing glory. I needed the yoga, and more than anything, I needed to be around like-minded people with nothing to do and nowhere to be for a few days.

I was a little surprised at how nervous I was going into the trip. I hadn't driven that far on my own since my Colorado trip last year. I haven't shared a room in a really long time, and I was getting ready to share a room with a complete stranger. I haven't practiced yoga with someone new in a long time, and I was getting ready to take a class a day from someone I knew very little about. And I was going to be the last one there on top of it all. I had the last class in my kundalini series that day at Kali Yuga Yoga. Since we had people signed up for the whole series, we couldn't cancel the class. Since I was the only teacher on the roster who teaches kundalini, there were no subs. So, I waited until class time and drove over to the studio praying that there were either ten people there or not a soul so that I could either teach a full class or leave early to get on my way.

When I got to the studio, I waited, and waited and waited. No one showed up.

I guess I should say that part of the reason I needed this break is that I've been starting to question myself and what I'm doing. I have people in my Saturday afternoon class at the studio, but anything I've tried to do on my own has left me sitting in an empty classroom. This kundalini series was no different. We started out with 4 the first week, no one the second, and one or two at two of the other ones, and absolutely no one at the other two classes of the six-week series. The studio lost money on this effort. I'm not completely sure that I made money all things considered between prep time, drive time and time sitting in the studio waiting. I've gotten good feedback from everyone who comes to one of my classes, but getting people there has been a challenge for me. Even people who seem excited about coming just don't show up.

I firmly believe that if I'm doing what I love and living fully in my purpose, the abundance will come. Abundance of people or money or whatever. Yoga has been such a good place for me over the last year, and I know that it's something I want to continue, but I am going to need a nice huge sign to (gently, please) smack me in the forehead in the near future if it's something I'm going to do on my own to make a living. Otherwise, I'm going to continue to teach a class here and there and continue my private lessons and figure out where my next path is going to lead. It's all growth, learning opportunities, lessons, and we just have to continue learning as we go.

Anyway, I was actually incredibly grateful when there were no students in my class so that I could get on the road an hour earlier to head to the beach yoga retreat. This retreat is something I've had my eye on for a very long time, and the email that there were a few spots left came right at the same time I received my tax refund from last year. I had been pulling angel cards telling me to Reward Myself, Balance Giving and Receiving, The Ocean, and Connect with Nature. I didn't need too many more signs that this was something I was meant to do, so I followed my instinct and signed up for the retreat.

Did I say earlier that I was nervous about going to the retreat? My stomach apparently knew that better than I did, because in the first few hours of the trip, I had to stop four times to go to the bathroom. This is not normal for me! It was a good way to release the old before welcoming in the new, though, I suppose. Haha!

When I finally arrived at the house, everyone was sitting around the large dining room table laughing and enjoying dessert. Most of them had been there for four hours and had already enjoyed a yoga practice on the pool deck and a delicious meal prepared with love by Deborah, one of the owners of Unity. With my already nervous tummy and a cloudy head from an eight hour drive, walking into the laughing crowd of people made tears spring to my eyes. Were they going to like me? Was I going to fit in? Which one was my roommate? Would she hate me after living with me for four nights? My insecurities settled in, and Rebecca Carey, one of my absolute favorite yoga teachers and the reason I was on this trip (well, aside from the ocean of course), got up from the table and ushered me into the rest of the house for a tour and encouraged me to be easy on myself, settle into my room and get acclimated before joining the crowd. She had no idea what was going on in my head, but she's such a loving and intuitive soul that she knew I needed a little time for myself even before I did.

I took everything to my room and went out to the balcony overlooking the ocean and took some deep breaths, enjoying the vision of the moon reflecting off the waves, the sounds of the ocean and the wind, the smell of the salt in the air. It was beautiful. It was why I was there. One of the first things they had us do at the house was pick out a plant and set an intention. The intention cards and nametags on our rooms were all painted by the beautiful Rebecca Carey. Daryn and Rebecca did an amazing job of putting everything together!

My plant in the cupholder on its way home to Nashville.

I learned over the next few days what role each of the individuals in the group would play in my healing, too, and I in theirs. My roommate is going through a divorce, with similar circumstances to mine, except that they had kids together. She reminded me so much of myself from two years ago, and the struggles I was going through and still occasionally go through. Another retreat friend is an engineer who has gone out on her own and has worked in the technical and sales sides of things and is super happy with her engineering life. We talked about how hard it was to work for other people, and how much she enjoys working on her own agenda. The one guy there was in the military and traveled to Thailand when he was stationed in Asia, so we got to relive our Thai adventures together. The more I talked to people about themselves and their lives, the more I realized what a great puzzle the universe had put together when it drew this specific group together. I grew to love each of them through our practices together, on and off the mat, and I think they loved me back.

I woke up early every morning without an alarm and walked on the beach after doing my energy work. One morning, I even got to watch the sun rise. To my surprise and glee, when I was taking a panoramic of the sunrise, I decided to continue on and ended up getting a photo of the sun and full moon in the same photo. Amazing!

Sunrise and full moon

Sunrise over the beach - breath taking!

Someone stuck these huge pieces of driftwood in the sand, and it was too pretty not to take a photo of.

I walked down the beach in the direction of the sunrise. About a half mile down the beach, I heard a bird call behind me and turned around to see a beautiful egret. He stood perfectly still with his head cocked to the side just long enough for a photo opp before he flew down along the beach toward the sunrise.

Egret Pose - he's so good at it!

I would imagine that he or one of his kin left these prints in the sand, too.

Not much further down the beach, I came upon a little inlet where a couple was fishing from the concrete retaining wall. The man would throw the net into the inlet and walk a few steps down the wall before pulling it back in. Twice while I was watching, he had something in the net when it came up. I'm not sure what the first one was that he threw back, but the second was a fish flopping about that he put into a cooler before throwing the net back into the water. At one point, the woman pulled a breakfast sandwich out of her bag and took a couple bites before feeding some to him in between casts. It was such a beautiful thing to watch that I couldn't bear to get up and walk away. I sat there on my side of the concrete wall watching until my butt was numb before I got up to walk back to the house.

Fisherman and wife with birds

The only schedule we had to follow while we were there was yoga in the morning around 9ish and evening around 5ish. The running joke was the emphasis on the "ish". I mean, we were on vacation after all. Practice was beautiful every morning and evening overlooking the sand dunes and sometimes the ocean, depending on where you were on the deck. I even got to release a little more anger while I was down there, which was beautiful. I wrote in my journal and talked and loved as much as I could while I was down there and it was all so beautiful. My heart was cracked wide open over and over again, and every time, I could feel a layer peel away and melt away from my heart. So many layers of protection that we all have, and I love that I'm taking the steps to peel them away so that I can live more openhearted and love more.

When Wednesday rolled around, it was bittersweet. I was physically tired from all the practice. I haven't practiced that much since teacher training in 2013. I also felt stronger. I've noticed that since I haven't been practicing as much, my practice has gotten a little more relaxed. I haven't pushed myself to those edges, and I've given myself permission to back off in class so that I could observe and teach others. It felt good to be back in the trenches. I was ready to come home. To get back into life as a stronger, more relaxed version of myself. I was sad to say goodbye to my new yoga friends, but know that I will see them again when I'm meant to. The drive home was fairly uneventful, although I did get to see an engineering feat on my way. I'm not sure exactly what the function of this is or where it was headed, but it was neat to see this intricate pipe system taking up two lanes of the interstate.

Massive pipe connections! Yes, there's still a little enginerd left in me...

When I got home, to my surprise, the only thing I wanted was more yoga. I visited one of my other favorite teachers, Taunia Rice, at her beautiful Wednesday night practice at Belmont United Methodist Church to ease my way back into the Nashville way of life. I went to Khan's Desserts for dinner after, my absolute favorite vegan restaurant in Nashville, where they now have vegan soft serve ice cream!

This is the first "ice cream" sundae I've had in years! It was delicious!!!

This morning when I woke up, I got to see the knockout roses that bloomed while I was away before riding in to work with my favorite.

Beautiful knockout roses in the front yard.

We discussed my May budget on the way into Nashville this morning, and I cried at the fact that I have someone to help me with my budget and my money system which is one of my biggest stressers. It was also a huge relief that between yoga and dog/house/baby sitting, I'm going to have some money to pay my bills this month, so I rewarded myself with a pedicure this morning.

It's amazing how pretty toes can make you feel so good and change your mood! I'm so grateful that this is something I can do for myself. I'm grateful for the amazing beach retreat and the beautiful women and man I met while I was there. I'm grateful that I have light and love in my heart that I get to share with people I encounter. I'm grateful that I get to be out in nature. I'm grateful that I can hear birds chirping as I write this. I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my healing - physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm grateful that I have relationships with amazing people who mirror back to me the lessons I need to learn. I'm grateful that my parents have created a beautiful backyard oasis in the middle of East Nashville where I can sit when I don't want to drive to White House. I'm grateful I get to share these experiences with you. I'm grateful for Rebecca Carey, Daryn Jackson and Deborah Jackson of Unity Yoga Room for sharing this beautiful retreat with me. I'm just plain grateful.

I hope you're all out enjoying the sunshine and listening to the sounds of nature on this beautiful spring day, and I hope you'll join me this evening for a little meditation.

Love to you all!

Emily Rose