You Deserve to be Happy

Y'all, my mama works her butt off! I mean, literally works so hard that at the end of the day, she falls into her recliner and doesn't move for the rest of the evening. Actually, scratch that. At the end of her day working for other people, she comes home and works in her own yard, making it beautiful and colorful. Then, she might have some dinner and crash into her recliner. Do you want to know how much she makes? A little more than minimum wage, but not hardly enough to get by. Really not even enough for the physical abuse that her body takes. Want to know what she does? She takes care of the plants at hotels and office buildings around Nashville. When you walk into the Hilton downtown, the beautiful flowers and plants that you see on the outside and even inside the building are thanks to my mama and the company she works for. She has had her knee replaced in the last two years, so you may even see her hobbling around from her truck to the planter beds with her tools and her watering can. She's like a little worker bee flitting from one planter bed to the next.

I've asked her so many times why she doesn't take on a management position and get people to work under her planting and watering and what-not, but her joy, her happy place is working in the dirt. When I see how big she smiles when she's working, I can't resist but smile with her. She's more outgoing and will talk to people she would normally never even think about talking to. It's like putting on her cape and going into superhero mode when she's working with her plants. I love watching her, and think every time that I hope I find something someday that I am that passionate about. She deserves to be happy, and I'm glad that she's found something that makes her happy and that she occasionally gets to share that gift with me.

Which brings it back to me. I spent the weekend in a spiritual bliss of music infusion. I went to a yoga concert on Friday at Liberation Yoga where we practiced yoga and then sat on our mats and were serenaded by two of the most beautifully blended voices I've heard in a long time. We listened to the angelic sounds of Mishelbe, a dynamic duo of two petite yogis (Michelle and Shelby) who met at yoga teacher training and found out they can make beautiful music together. We even got to join in when they broke into mantras in the middle of their songs. The way they incorporated ancient sound currents into modern music and words was phenomenal, and I'm so grateful that I got to experience it. Oh, and I got to experience it not only once, but twice, because they just happened to play again on Sunday at a Kirtan I attended at the Music City Center for Spiritual Living with my beautiful mama. I'm a little obsessed with them right now, so this probably won't be the last time you hear about them.

Oh, and all of this after the ending of the season of The Voice, which I watched every episode glued to the TV with the thought, "I want to do that. I should be up there" running through my head over and over and over as if it were a mantra. I feel so called to sing right now that it's a little scary, and the fact that I'm even sharing this in this media is even more scary to me. As I listened to the music of Mishelbe, I couldn't help but think that I wanted to do that, that it could have been me up there. It could still be me up there. Maybe I'll get up there and realize that's not my dream or my purpose, but I just started to follow Taylor Swift on Instagram where she's posting photos from her concerts. I have to say that seeing her in her glitter and sequins up on stage, I can't imagine anything else I would want to do right now. I just have to find the courage to get up on stage. Who wants to give me a shove? Don't think this is going to be an easy task, y'all! I spent the last two years finding a voice that I didn't even realize I had lost, and even this blog is a testament to the progress that I've made. For now, this is my stage.

But wait, why are we here? Happiness! That's right. So, every morning (at least when I remember), I look myself in the eye (in the mirror) and read myself a note that I wrote to my inner child in my sister circle a while back. I know I've posted it before, but I'm going to post it again, because maybe you need to hear it again, too.

You are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. You don't need anyone else's approval but your own. Go play! Do what makes you happy. Wake up every morning and do what brings you joy. If something makes you happy, don't let anyone take it from you. Surround yourself in beauty and love and people who support that in you. Everything you create is beautiful. Just be you.

And then I take a deep breath and really let that settle into my bones. Some days I'll add another affirmation onto the end of it if there's something else I need to hear, but most days, this does the trick. Lately, though, I've been questioning myself on what truly makes me happy. What brings joy to my life and my days? And now that I'm reflecting on that, it's those days that I'm truly in the flow, moving smoothly from one activity, one connection to the next that make me truly happy. The soul level connections with like-minded people make me so happy that I could squeal! And I have not been giving myself enough of those lately. I've been trying to do it on my own, which is obviously one of my patterns that I get to work on. I'm so excited that my sister circle has decided to do a check-in every other week through the summer that will allow me to be surrounded by these beautiful beings who love and support me and allow me a non-judgemental platform to be heard. I wish this same happiness and love for you.

I would love to hear from you how you connect with others. What makes you happy? Why haven't you done that yet today?? You deserve it! You deserve to be happy!

Much love,
Emily

The Love of a Sister

I've had the joy this week of reconnecting with my many sisters in this life in one way or another.  My blood sister has started dating again, and she's coming to me for advice.  It's drawing us together in a way that I never thought possible for so many reasons, starting with the one where I told my parents to take her back the first time I met her in the hospital.  I don't know what was going through my 2 1/2 year old mind when I said that, but that's the mentality that has stuck with me and a stigma that has tainted my relationship with my sister for the last 32 years.

My family moved around a lot when I was growing up.  I had friends, but they came and went a lot.  I still see some of them occasionally, but the constant people in my life were my parents, my big brother (who I had an amazing relationship with) and my little sister (who was always someone I tolerated being around).  Growing up, I always found it easier to relate with my brother.  He talked enough for the both of us (I was always quiet and shy growing up), and was there for me when I needed help or needed someone to stand up for me.

My little sister was just a pest who took Mom and Dad's attention away from me, and I was a princess and deserved all of their attention!  Haha!  At least that's what my little child self always thought (maybe even still thinks??).  I built up a resentment toward my sister that usually resulted in me hurting her either physically or emotionally and then going out for a run to burn off the remaining anger I felt toward her.  Everyone always told me that as we grew up, we would grow closer, but that just never happened for us.  In my mind, she would always be that spoiled little child who demanded all of Mom and Dad's attention and love.

While I "grew up," got my degree, got a "real" job, got married, and settled into a life of goals and ambitions, I watched her struggle to find her footing jumping from one job to the next, living off (and with) mom and dad and continuing to demand all of their attention and love even as an adult.  I continued to water the resentment I held toward her and allowed it to grow into the light.

When I started seeing a therapist and started really diving into the issues with my sister, I actually started talking about the resentment I had toward her.  I would openly tell her and anyone else who would listen how miserable I was because of her.  This only started to lighten when she started to "grow up."  She really started working on herself and figured out what she wanted to do with her life.  She wanted to go to nanny school.  At this point, Mom and Dad were refusing to pay for yet another round of training for a job she would work for a few months and realize that it wasn't what she wanted to do.  For some reason, it felt right for me to help her.  I cosigned on a student loan for her to attend English Nanny and Governess School, and she went through with it.  I was so proud of her the day I went up to Chagrin Falls, Ohio to watch her graduate and get her Nanny Certification.  She got an amazing job with a family in Chicago, and I really felt like she was getting her life together.  There were a couple of hiccups along the way, but she stuck with the nanny gig and was really good at it.

When I got divorced and quit my job, however, I started to resent her again, because she lived off my parents for so long.  When I wanted their help, though, they told me to get a job or maybe I shouldn't have quit the job I had.  I couldn't understand why it was okay for her to work through all of her stuff with their help, and it wasn't okay for me to be without a job and try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  And one day, they started helping me.  They bought me food and toilet paper and paper towels, and asked what else I needed.  This somehow helped to melt away some of the resentment I felt toward my sister.

Then, she started going to school.  She had tried school before that didn't last, so I wasn't sure how serious she was this time.  For some reason, though, this time was different.  She's finishing up her second semester, and I couldn't be more proud of her for the woman she's becoming.  She even helped me get a job as a nanny to an adorable little boy who I'm helping raise into an amazing and loving toddler.  She started dating recently and reached out to me for advice, and I feel like we're finally starting to relate the way that sisters are meant to relate.

On Sunday, we went to breakfast and then to service at the Center for Spiritual Living Nashville.  One of the songs that they sang during service was "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips.  I don't know a single 30-something girl who didn't have that song on cassette when they were little, not to mention the amazing homage to the song at the end of the movie "Bridesmaids".  Let me interject by saying that every service I have been to at the Center has made me cry at least once; tears of joy, tears of sorrow, tears of loss, tears at how beautiful the young souls are who get up and do their affirmations at the beginning of service and then the song about them being a big, shiny light that we sing as they leave to go off to their youth activities during the rest of service.

Well, of course "Hold On" made me cry, because for some reason, this was the week that I felt like I needed a break from all of the work I was doing.  I am scared shitless about the journey I am embarking on as I go into another Kundalini training weekend followed by a week at Kundalini Winter Solstice Sadhana Celebration, not to mention not knowing where my life is going.  When they sang the words, "I know that there is pain, but you hold on for one more day, and you break free from the chains," I couldn't help but tear up knowing that it was a sign that my time is coming.  Every sign I've gotten this week has told me this same thing; given me this same message.  At the end of service, they always sing a song as people are walking out, and "Hold On" was that song.  My sister and I channeled our inner "bridesmaids" and joined the Music Ministry as we danced along in our pew, a little more of that resentment melting away.  I think that might have been the closest I've ever felt to my sister, and I'm glad to have deepened that bond.

Today, I shared that same love with a different kind of sister, a soul sister.  We all have people who we come into this life knowing, and I have had the wonderful opportunity to reconnect with many of my soul sisters, thanks to a beautiful soul named Kim Salter, who facilitates a Sisterhood Circle in East Nashville.  It is a beautiful gathering of sensitive, strong and amazing women who come together to hold space for each other and really listen in a way that facilitates healing.  This is an amazing group, because how often are you really heard in your life?  As someone working on my expression and opening myself and my voice, it is very important for me to feel heard at a soul level.  These women offer that for me, and the friendships and bonds extend out past the weekly circle, as well.  If this is something you feel is missing in your life, you can learn more about Circle on Kim's LIFE.Designed Facebook page here.

I also had the amazing opportunity today to connect with two of my friends from my engineering days who have seen me through a lot of the inner turmoil and helped me through the worst days and still love and support me through the changes I'm experiencing in my life.  I'm so grateful to have such amazing friends and such amazing lunches to remind me of that connection.  The friendship I share with those women is so much more than any of the friendships I've ever had, and I'm so grateful for the growth I've gotten to witness in their lives and relationships.

And coming back to that little bit where I talked about messages and signs that have come to me this week, I want to talk a little bit about RunYogaLove.  Beck and I have been running almost every Saturday since I started it in September in the hopes that someone will join us.  It hasn't been a big deal that we haven't had others with us yet, because it was kind of fun having each other to run with and having him there made me feel less tied to any kind of results or growth or expectations I had in starting it.

The last two weekends, however, Beck ran in a half marathon and went to visit family, so I ran by myself.  I used to love running by myself.  It was a fun way for me to explore the city and enjoy the weather and the scenery.  For some reason, the last two Saturdays were really hard for me and brought up a lot of my feelings of not being enough.  Am I not trying hard enough to spread the word?  Am I not likeable enough for people to want to run with me?

Before you freak out and start reaching out to make sure I'm okay, I know this is not true.  I know that I am enough and that I am beautiful and perfect in every way.  We all have our moments, though, right?  It triggered a lot of my "not enough" mentality that I have struggled with most of my life.  It has been a great opportunity for me to work on that, and I am so appreciative that I have had that opportunity.  As I was questioning why I'm doing it, I kept getting the message that I should keep going.  Keep running.  Keep showing up.

I'm ready for you to join me, though!  I will be in teacher training this weekend and out of town December 14-25, but I look forward to seeing you all on the road at 6:30 am on Saturday, December 27th to run off those holiday cookies!

Much love,
Emily Rose

The Great Spiritual Teacher, Siri Avtar Kaur

In Kundalini Yoga, when you're a serious practitioner, you can apply to 3HO (Happy, Healthy, Holy Organization) to get your spiritual name.  When I started reading in my text book about spiritual names, I thought it would be kind of neat to have one, so I got on the website and did some research.  According to Yogi Bhajan, "You are all here; we’ll share with you every moment of your life, and we will ask you to understand your spiritual incarnation and your spiritual name, and try to find out the strength to live it.  Without finding that strength to live your spiritual identity, life will be a waste, and we don’t want it to be wasted."

It also said to only apply if you were serious and going to use the name.  Hmmm...I wasn't sure at the time how serious I was or whether I was ready for my name yet.  However, after talking to one of my teachers after class one night, she encouraged me to go for it.  I got on the website again, put in my name, gender, birthday, a little information about myself and made a donation to the organization.  A few days later, I received an email with my spiritual name.  Here's what it said:

You have been blessed to live as Siri Avtar Kaur, the Princess/Lioness of God who embodies spiritual greatness through her ability to teach and guide others.

Siri means great.  Avtar is incarnation, embodiment, manifestation, spiritual teacher.  Kaur is a name that all women receive - the Princess/Lioness of God who walks with grace and strength throughout her life.  Yogi Bhajan taught that every woman has the potential to attain this divine state and encouraged all to manifest it.

Use the rich vibrational capacity of your name, Siri Avtar Kaur, to manifest your soul’s gift – that you can easily become the embodiment of a greatness that gives you the ability to teach and guide others.  Remember God with every breath to allow you to manifest who you really are.  In this way you will effortlessly uplift and guide those around to look to their highest consciousness.

The power of your spiritual name is that the more you speak and hear it, the more it permeates your being, opening you to experience its nadh (universal inner sound current). Consciously merge with the vibration of the nadh to come into harmony with your highest destiny.

Oh my gosh!  Oh my gosh! Oh my GOSH!  I got my spiritual name!  I was like a little kid on Christmas the day it came. I wanted to tell the world and let them know that

I have a spiritual name!!!

Wait...that's a little intense.  The Great Spiritual Teacher??  What does that mean??  What am I supposed to do??  What am I meant to teach?  Am I really all that great?  Who am I to teach anything??  What if I don't know enough to teach?  STOP! (This is actually a really effective way to stop the self doubt and negative self talk.  If you haven't tried it yet, you should!) Take a breath!  Everything I've learned so far has taught me to have faith; to know that I am taken care of; to know that I'm taking the steps in the right direction; to know that there's a bigger plan and a reason that I'm here.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I'm already doing it!  I'm finding my way to my divine purpose using my divine path every day.  Every breath, every step, every move, every training is taking me one step closer.  Every time I am grateful for something in my life, every time I share that gratitude with someone else, I am learning and I am teaching by sharing that gift with the world.

That said, every time someone has told me in the last year that I was an inspiration to them, I was terrified. What if they fail? What if they don't find the joy in it that I have? What if? What if? What if?? Then I take a breath, and I remember that whatever they do, whatever choices they make, it is their path.  It is their step in the direction of their divine life purpose.  It is their karma to learn in this lifetime.

I am nowhere near being The Great Spiritual Teacher yet, and I know you can't become a great teacher without having great teachers.  I have had way too many teachers to begin to individually list all of them today, but I will give thanks to them in my own way and in my own time.  I have one who I would like to thank today right here, right now.  Ron Browning, my voice coach who I found through the Nashville Jazz Workshop (amazing place, you should check it out), shared with me in one of my first lessons last year that I am just God's instrument and to let the sound flow through me.  It helped me have the confidence to stand up in front of the class and sing, which is something I hadn't done in years, and it has helped me dramatically in my yoga.  I have used that before every yoga class I have ever taught.  When I don't feel like I have the knowledge, the courage or the strength to teach a class, I say to myself, "I am God's instrument.  Please help me give these students what they need today." And then I relax and let it flow, and I know that whatever I'm teaching them is what they are meant to learn in that specific moment.

I will continue to learn more every day so that I can be a better teacher.  I am so honored to continue to share my lessons with you in the hopes that they will help you in some way, and I have a favor to ask of you in return.  The neat thing about spiritual names is that the more you say them and the more people say them to you, the more you grow into that vibration.  So, the next time you see me (if it resonates with you) please feel free to call me by my spiritual name, Siri Avtar Kaur, and I will do my best to grow into it.

Much love and sat nam,
Siri Avtar Kaur (a.k.a. Emily Rose)