When The Lights Go Out

When the lights go out,
I lie awake;
Imagining you lying next to me
Holding my hand;
Holding me so tight against your body
That it's like you're afraid
That I'll float away
If you let go.

When the lights go out,
I lie awake
Imagining myself standing tall
Holding my head high
Holding myself so tight against the hand of the lord
That it's like I'm afraid
That I'll float away
If I let go.

The breaking up process for me and Beck has been almost as slow and painful as it was going into the relationship. It's hard to put a name on a transition that is so difficult. We have both felt the pain as we pulled apart, even though we both know deep in our souls that it was best for us in this moment in this life. I hadn't given myself enough time to heal from my marriage and the dissolution of my marriage, and he still needs to get a little more comfortable in his new skin and new life. We both have the type of personality that makes us think that we need to let go of the parts of ourselves that we love and totally dissolve ourselves into our partners when in relationship. We both saw that we needed to work on that part of ourselves that holds onto those things that we love doing independently in order to grow those roots a little deeper. We both needed the time apart to make sure that we really knew ourselves enough to not let those selves become a meshed up mess of something that didn't resemble either of us at the human level or the soul level.

Even knowing all of that, it's hard to tear your hearts apart. It was especially hard for me knowing what happened the last time I did this. Even with the deepest intention to stay friends, when you love someone that deeply, you have to separate completely in order to get to that friend level, and sometimes when you separate, you don't know if you will come back together, and that is scary. It's scary to think that someone who has been your everything won't be there by your side ever again. On some levels, it feels like death would be an easier option, not because you want to die, but because at least when someone dies, they're not there anymore living a life that you can see but aren't in any way involved in. You love them from afar and hope that they are well, but you don't get to have any say in their love or successes. You have no right to complain, because you chose this -  this separation - this loss. You chose this. Or maybe you didn't have any choice, and it's still so hard to accept the changes that are happening. You go with it because that's all you can do. You send love when you think about that other person. You open your heart to what is to come. That's all you can do. You accept where you are and know that you are on the right path and that there are amazing things ahead because God created us in his image, so why would he want anything but the best for us. His love is unconditional, so no matter what we've done or where we've been, his love is always there. There is no judgement in the eyes of my God. Only love lives there. I choose to live in his image. I choose to live with that same open hearted love. I choose to see the beauty everywhere that has been given to us by someone who knows and loves us more than we love ourselves sometimes.

When the lights come on
I know you're there
Lying next to me
Holding my hand
Looking into my eyes
and seeing
the light and love
that live there

When the lights come on
I know you're there
Walking with me in this life
Holding my hand
Looking into my eyes
so that I can see
the light and love
that live there